This came on my iPod (yes, I still have my 12 year old ‘walkman’ that holds every piece of music I own) while I was driving by myself the other day. Yeah, I know it’s about heroin but when it came on, goddamn did it sink me into tears within seconds thinking of this struggle.
I think about the “poison” he refers to and I am instantly brought back to the endless memories of leaning over the kitchen counter (or the desk in the back room of my husband’s grocery store for the nights he was at work with the evening PIO shots in the ass had to be done) as the estrogen and progesterone filled my veins (or earlier, the Bravelle in the stomach for the fresh DEIVF cycle, or even earlier with the Femara in the first IUI cycle that left me barely able to move on the sofa my bones ached so badly from it, matched with the ob/gyn who went AWOL the weekend of the procedure that forced me to a ND who didn’t have the right size speculum).
I am instantly brought to the moment the agency called to say that Danielle did not live in Crescent City and was just cruelly trying to send me to Coos Bay to an empty waiting room, and how they’ve never heard from her again.
I am instantly brought to the ‘graduation appointment’ at my RE where we were to go from there directly to our newly appointed midwife, only to instead be told that our baby was dead inside of me and that I’d need to jam a pill up yonder and bleed out at home until he left my body…with no interest from the doctor in testing it to find out what happened.
I am instantly reminded of this week, where after contacting our agency to have them do our home study renewal (which they’d offered to do in the past), they now suddenly don’t have anyone in our state to help us – and it expires in August (as the old one who’d done our original HS out of business and here in Oregon it has to be an Agency, not just a LSW), and we have just been told to “go find one on Google who can do it for you” as they are “too busy with their existing caseloads to help us”…and the only ones who’ve responded so far said they would not renew ours, that we’d have to START OVER with a brand new home study that would take about 3 months to complete.
I know…is it a fucking sign? We’ve been running to stand still for too long.
RUNNING TO STAND STILL
Woke up from where she was
Said I gotta do something
About where we’re going
Step out of the driving rain, maybe
Run from the darkness in the night
Singing ha, ah la la la de day
Ah da da da de day
Ah la la de day
Bitter than taste in my mouth
I see seven towers
But I only see one way out
Talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice
From the poison stream
Then I floated out of here
Singing ha la la la de day
Ha la la la de day
Ha la la de day
With eyes painted red
Under a black belly of cloud in the rain
In through a doorway she brings me
White gold and pearls stolen from the sea
She is raging
She is raging
And the storm blows up in her eyes
She’s running to stand