this Frday is the date she said our baby would be due. does/did this child even exist? we still do not know. and the feelings are pounding on us in a thousand different ways, and people are still surprising us, both good and bad.
for those who are reading and commenting on my blog in support, i thank you so very much. your words have brought warmth to the chill that has surrounded us with this new heartbreak. for my mum in australia, your presence, even if not geographic, is priceless.
and as with many of us who are childless not by choice, we get to learn about the people around us and see their true colors. we get pleasant surprises and we get kicked when we’re down by those who fucking know better.
the good? a new friend who simply said she’s there for me. She’s much younger than me and does not have kids, and when we met up her approach was one of learning rather than preaching. she was also the only person to get us something off of our registry so we would have it in time for the baby’s arrival. This wonderful genuine person who I have only barely just gotten to know.
the bad? the sibling who didn’t respond for weeks then i shit you not, spelled my name wrong (and not a typo y’all) in his email. And the others who simply ignored our announcement. fuck those people.
the good? a neighbor who constantly checked in on me – and my husband – to see if we needed anything or just wanted to share a cup of tea. It’s like having an auntie next door.
the bad? the person who had gone through fertility treatments and had a baby, knew our entire story, and started out with saying she had been holding off on contacting me until i had good news (i supposed because i’m not worth checking in on if i’m not a parent now like she is?)… and then – i shit you not, once again – actually went on a ‘i have a friend in a similar situation…’ story and had the nerve to suggest that i consider DEIVF again or surrogacy. because gee she must know what’s best for me and yeah i’m sure her friend (who is a mother) went through a failed international adoption and a domestic birth mother scam and 6 rounds/9 embryos of donor egg IVF and pregnancy loss and is still without kids. Oh yeah and we’re all the same of course, right? similar to the ignorance of ‘just adopt’, she clearly has no fucking clue what she’s talking about, not to mention as someone who came from this community, should fucking know better than to try and compare my situation to someone she knows not to mention give advice. Not to mention she also had the nerve to try and separately address my HUSBAND in an email as if a) that’s appropriate and b) as if he is not equally devastated as me. it reminded me of my blog post from 3 years ago calling out those who are now on the other side of the fence who think they now get to tell you what to do, that they somehow still understand how you feel when they are looking down at their child and we are simply thinking of what we are going to do with all this kid stuff we’ve amassed over the years because the odds seem to be giving us the middle finger. I’ve found it quite ironic how seemed to be a large number of people who after being lucky enough to come out of treatment with a baby get so self-righteous and deem themselves experts in infertility. No not all of them but look at the blogs and articles y’all… Altogether too many talking like they speak for everyone even though the majority who go through treatment don’t end up with a kid. Like when millionaire Jimmy Fallon hyped up surrogacy and the “never give up” bullshit that shames couples into more and more treatments that set many of us back decades financially not to mention lay the groundwork for more emotional devastation.
the good? we still have our garden. our quiet spot of land fifteen minutes from the ocean. an adoring goofy pitbull. and, most importantly our great love for each other.
we don’t have the money to go back and visit my husband’s home country I’m Australia where he has not been since before we were married 5 years ago, as all of that cash was flushed down the toilet with treatments. We live moderately, cooking 95% of the time rather than going out, with our spending money and our days off going almost exclusively to our DIY efforts on the house. But we have each other. He has my back and I have his. And that is a beautiful thing.
We don’t know if we will ever be parents but we do know that life is short and fragile and it’s so important that we focus our time and energy on the things that bring us joy, the people who after being around them leave smiles on our faces, and a life that is lived with no regrets and purely on our own terms.
“The very time I thought I was lost my dungeon shook and my chains fell off.”
– James Baldwin