You Know You’re Hopelessly Infertile When…

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The other day I was doing some DIY project around the house and stopped to take a break, going online and finding a cute blog post on “you know you’re a homesteader…” with a list of things that make folks like us chuckle. When I went back to my project, I read the label on the concrete sealer I was about to apply and noticed the following:

WARNING: This product contains chemicals known to cause birth defects or reproductive harm.”

All I could do was roll my eyes and sigh and say to myself, “well, guess that doesn’t apply to me!” and think about all the chemicals I can now inhale without worry because my uterus is, as my good friend M says, a treacherous cunt.

And I thought of more of those things that are part of my life now, such as…

  • You know you’re hopelessly infertile when…you’re 45 years old and don’t have any money in your retirement account because you spent it all on multiple failed rounds of IVF and multiple adoption attempts…
  • You know you’re hopelessly infertile when…you refuse to go on any type of estrogen to assuage your perimenopausal symptoms because it is a massive PTSD trigger of the 2-inch needles your husband stabbed your ass with for years.
  • You know you’re hopelessly infertile when…you pray for actual menopause because your period is just a reminder of the almost 35 years you had it…for nothing.
  • You know you’re hopelessly infertile when…you’re not just triggered by pregnant bellies, or by people talking about their kids, but get weepy when people talk about their GRANDKIDS because that part of life is yet another loss that comes with the territory you now live in.
  • You know you’re hopelessly infertile when…you even avoid going to the gynecologist for a pap because you don’t want any more doctors anywhere near your damn cervix, the one that was manually, excruciatingly dilated for every DEIVF transfer.
  • You know you’re hopelessly infertile when…you hear about someone having a baby after miscarriage and/or after their first round of IVF and just roll your eyes and bite your tongue.
  • You know you’re hopelessly infertile when…you catch yourself referring to your farm animals as babies and think, this is all there ever will be for me, and you sigh.
  • You know you’re hopelessly infertile when…you no longer have any clue when kid-centric things are going on, like Spring Break.
  • You know you’re hopelessly infertile when…you find it hard to make friends because 99% of the people your age have kids, talk about their kids constantly, and you don’t want to have to tell your story to yet another person who doesn’t get it (or worse, pretends they do because they know so-and-so who went through it AND NOW HAS KIDS).
  • You know you’re hopelessly infertile when…new blog posts by the three or four women who actually HAVE walked in your shoes mean everything to you, because it’s the only group of women who truly get it.

For those new to my blog, a summary of our infertility struggles can be found HERE. There is another one devoted to the years we’ve spent trying to adopt via DHS, Ethiopia, and private domestic HERE.

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4 thoughts on “You Know You’re Hopelessly Infertile When…

  1. Ack. I’m hoping I’m not one of those bloggers, because I have been majorly sucking at posting lately… But totally right with you on this post (except we couldn’t even do IVF, so no waste of money there).

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    1. Ahh but you are my test subject for foster parenting my dear and you were so spot on when you said how you hate when people talk about foster parenting as a way to build a family. DHS tried to tell me that not long ago, while also agreeing that they ultimately want kids to go back to their biologicals whenever possible (yet still wanting a minimum 2 year commitment from us). I told her fostering was just full of triggers about loss, and for me even harder to conceive of since this would be about losing ones already out of the womb.

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  2. I have never done IVF but I too often wonder WTF I have my period for. It’s never been anything more than an annoyance or a heartbreaking reminder of being not pregnant.

    Liked by 1 person

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