So those of y’all who’ve been reading my blog know what the past 2 1/2 or so years have been like. It hasn’t all sucked, but the combination of 2 IUIs, 6 rounds of DEIVF, miscarriage @ 9 weeks, Ethiopia’s closing of adoptions and losing that opportunity as well, skin cancer surgery, 7+ months of herniated disc injury/recovery, two fender benders and retinal detachment + vitrectomy? It’s a bit exhausting, and I feel like I’m climbing up a downhill escalator…I never quite get back to the top, and establishing a new normal is impossible.
Getting off the IVF hormones sped up my recovery of my herniated disc, but I’m definitely not back to normal and still doing exercises 2X daily along with PT visits 2X monthly. And the week I was released to finally get back on my bike, my retina detached and, 4 weeks later, I’ve realized that my vision in my right eye is not only still fuzzy, but with my contact lens in a I go from nearsighted to farsighted! That is some weird shit. So that should make my new prescription interesting when I finally get to return to my optometrist.
While my herniated disc recovery continues (almost 8 months, can you believe this shit!) as does my retinal reattachment surgery recovery, this past week more shit hit the fan for me health-wise related to my pelvic floor (it’s very TMI – even for opinionated, blunt, curse-like-a-sailor li’l ol’ me! – so I don’t want to even write about it, ladies you can click on the link if you’d like to read about my diagnosis), and my new doctor referring me to a very special kind of PT for this. As it’s not a condition that is life threatening, as I told my husband and a couple of friends this week, I just don’t think I have it in me right now to go to yet another doctor. And considering it was caused by long term high-level stress (mental) and 2+ years of infertility treatments (mental + physical), I can’t see that getting the therapy and using the medications she wants me to use (the latter NOT covered by insurance, the former won’t be because I only have 13 visits left on insurance for PT which are reserved for my back injury) will improve my current overall stress levels. I am spread too damn thin dealing with these other major health issues, so this latest diagnosis is just going to have to be on hold.
I told my husband and my existing PT that right now, all I want to do is get my back to a point where I can do yoga and ride my bike again, which will absolutely diminish my stress (and strengthen my body). My eye is in recovery but still not back to normal, and won’t have my full vision back for at least a couple more months, and so with that and my back? I think that’s enough poking and prodding to deal with. I’m not saying I don’t want to fix what’s wrong with the rest of me, but sometimes you just got to put certain things on the waiting list so you can make sure you have a strong foundation to take the next step. Multi-tasking often means you never get one thing fully done, and I really need to be focused to get myself back into a good old fashioned sun-salutation, dammit.
Here are a few quick snapshots of our adoption profile book…thanks to a recommendation from a friend, we used Mixbook to do it, which was almost half the price of Shutterfly…but still a financial suckerpunch – amazing these things aren’t online!
I admit I still randomly think about trying IVF once more, using those last BB frozen embryos. Yep, even as we wait for a referral for domestic adoption. I don’t trust domestic adoption any more than I trust any other way of starting a family at this point in time…yay for pessimism, but we’ve seen a lot that started out seeming like sure things melt into nothingness. Dan is more confident than I am, but I remain pretty numb. That being said, this afternoon we received our first update from the adoption agency and 6 birth mothers were given our profile book in the month of June, and, um, that’s all we know. Not really a “report” as we thought we’d get but a definite update which helps me breathe a bit. A small problem is, many of the birth parents don’t return the books to the social workers even if they don’t choose you, so if the workers eventually run out of books, we have to pay to order more (the first 30 cost about $500…gulp…), and as the agency director said, they don’t always give a yes/no (and as she said, some wait til the baby is born then make a last minute decision, whew!). But hey, at least our book is out there, right? It’s something.
Eight months ago, over Thanksgiving weekend, I thought I’d tweaked my back in the garden after doing nothing but pulling a small weed out of a raised bed. Instead, the next morning I was literally carried out by firemen (no, not in a sexy way) out of our bedroom because I literally could not move – even with a fentanyl IV in me – without screaming in pain. I spent the weekend in the ER, with no drugs alleviating the pain, just an oxy to help me sleep. The next month was a waste, with the PT the hospital referred me to not having any availability until after Christmas, the first one I found giving me one choice of exercises, one involving blowing a balloon while doing a 10-step version of a crunch (telling me literally “if you can’t do this, I can’t help you” rather than modify her approach), the second one literally having me do NO exercises, just having me lie on my back while she applied pressure to spots on my stomach and head (not to mention getting mad at ME when she was a no-show because I “should have stayed in the waiting room” until she finally showed up an hour later, not to mention seriously treating me like I was INSANE for wanting to go to a gyn for my well-woman care when I asked if she had a recommendation).
It wasn’t until I decided on a recruiting client’s recommendation to head to a chiro in the neighborhood (I was two months post-injury by then) where he not only helped me but also referred me to my current PT who has worked her ass off to help me, not to mention has been the kind, empathetic spirit I needed through all of the shit I’ve been dealing with. She’s seen me through the flare-ups that came from ERA and Cycle 6 hormones, she’s been incredibly creative in finding exercises that work with me, she’s let me cry in her office on more than one occasion, and she’s helped me see how far I’ve come even when my ego is telling me I’m a weak-ass excuse for a human because I can’t get into a normal downward facing dog. Now that’s a good doc.
I can sit and talk to coaching clients now, which I couldn’t do a while back. I’m stiff afterwards, but not in excruciating pain like I was a couple months ago after just 5-10 minutes in a chair. While my vision is not fully back in my right eye, I can at least drive and my husband and I will celebrate his 50th birthday on the coast as we’d originally hoped to, and because my back has recovered enough, enjoying dinner at a nice restaurant to boot. I may not be pregnant after all this effort, but my adoption agency’s director gives me hope that eventually I will be a mother and my husband will be a father.
And even better? My husband fucking rocks. Our marriage rocks. Our dog rocks. Our crazy-ass ducks rock. Our home and garden rock.
And that’s what I’m going to focus on as shit keeps hitting the fan. I refuse to let this crap take me down.