So Fucking Done (today’s vent)

anger-enjoy-1

I’m sitting here with vision only in my one eye, unable to leave my house and take a simple walk down the street, unable to watch television, unable to do anything beyond sit around stewing in my thoughts on this 100 degree day. I’m recuperating from a herniated disc injury that’s lasted seven months and dealing with people both online and in real life related to my lack of fertility that have ripped off all of the scabs that are just starting to form 2 months after the 6th DEIVF fail and closure of the Ethiopia program we’d been in for 2 years…not to mention this week being one year since we started experiencing our one short pregnancy that resulted in the loss of our baby.

A few months ago, my long lost cousin had reappeared in my life, asking me for help in her job search in the city she lived in. Because I had tried so hard for so long to have a relationship with her, no matter how many times she disappeared and reappeared, when she reached out I had open arms. This is the cousin who my aunt had given up for adoption as a teenager who I met for the first time in my 20’s when she reached out to us for the first time. It was the only person I’ve ever actually had a serious family resemblance to and who was fairly close in age (she’s younger by just a few years). Her biological mother, my aunt, is one of those people who either loves you or treats you like shit, and was that way with me and with my cousin as well despite both of our best efforts. But I’d always told my cousin that she was family to me and my house was open to her, welcoming her and her daughter down here whenever she wanted. She never took me up on the invite and never kept in touch, so when she reached out for job help I thought that might be a nice way to reconnect after having not seen her in 7 or 8 years. We emailed back and forth, she telling me about how her parents had split up a few years back and she and her daughter were living at her dad’s house, and I told her about my years struggling with infertility, donor egg IVF, miscarriage and adoption struggles. I asked her about her fibromyalgia and never heard anything. I got a few sentences about her daughter after my fourth or fifth attempt.  And in the meantime, I wrote her resume for free and helped her with other job search needs (as a career coach, this is my bread and butter but as a family member I wanted to give this to her as a gift as I know she’d been going through so much shit lately), and barely got a thank you. Did she respond to me with even a minor comment about my struggles at all? Nope. Not a fucking word. When I mentioned my back pain that was really debilitating while on the hormones, putting me in flare-up mode, she had the nerve to offer to SELL me some of her herbal products that she sold as part of her side hustle. A few days before the sixth embryo transfer, she had asked if I was available for a call and I said that I was kind of a mess from the hormones in prep for the transfer and she said…nothing. In fact, I never heard from her after that. Being sick and fucking tired of family and friends ghosting me during these rounds of infertilty treatments, my husband agreed with my decision to just leave this one-sided relationship behind. I needed to focus my energy on us and the people who support us.

The other day I got a text from her saying “are you feeling better?”. I read it to my husband and his response was simply “what the fuck?” I hemmed and hawed as to how to respond and he helped me craft a reply that said honestly, I don’t know what to say to you as you’ve said not one word to me about my struggles with infertility, loss of a baby, etc. and only focused on my helping her with her resume and job search…for free. Her response?

“I’m sorry you feel that way. I’ve had health problems.”

That was it – a fucking non-apology and a shitty excuse. Considering I was reaching out to HER with love and assistance while I was going through IVF and a herniated disc? Are you fucking kidding me with this response?

Fuck that shit. Needless to say, no response.

A few days before this, I’d received an email from an old friend I’d not heard from since she moved abroad with her husband. At our last coffee before she moved, she was visiting town with her new baby and decided at the last minute to leave her baby with her husband, so I never got to meet the baby, and after that coffee never heard from her again. We weren’t super close friends so it wasn’t that upsetting to me as there are always people in your life who it’s okay if you drift apart, get back in touch, etc. Then again, her email this past week? Asked me if I still helped people with resumes. It wasn’t until after I declined (being a day out of eye surgery) that she asked how I was enjoying married life and mentioned she’d been back in the country for 18 months and her two children were growing fast. Honestly, after so many years, all I could think of was, “what do you tell someone about what your life has been like since they disappeared? I decided to simply not reply. l just froze because all I could think of is, if I told her what I’d gone through, even at a high level, I’d get some perky response that usually comes from people who hadn’t experienced what I’d experienced. Maybe I’ll say something later, but right now I’m just trying to – literally – put one foot in front of the other without losing my balance or having to hold my husband’s arm.

And I gotta say, today getting a comment on my blog from someone who has children of her own telling me she knows “exactly” what I’ve been through and to “keep smiling” even though it hurts? Oh no she didn’t. Yes, she’s been through miscarriage but ultimately she has children. The fact is, once you have successfully given birth to a child – ESPECIALLY with your own eggs – you do not get to say you know exactly how I feel. You do not know how it feels at your FIRST appointment with a fertility doctor to be told you’ll never get pregnant with your own eggs. You’ll never know how it feels to go through SIX rounds of failed donor egg IVF. You’ll never know how it feels to, the day before your sixth round failed, be told that along with the tens of thousands spent on DEIVF, that the country you’d spent $18,000 into to adopt a little girl from two years ago was suspending all adoptions. In our country where surrogacy costs $100,000+, not to mention getting another donor (our fertility doctor won’t let us use different donor embryos even though our first 9 have failed with no reason or change in protocol recommended), we are taking a final shot, going into deep debt to try domestic adoption at the cost of another $30-35,000. We are looking at our lives as a childless couple, with this lottery ticket sitting in a metaphorical drawer, with no guarantee that this final attempt at being parents will work either.

And don’t get me started when people tell you to “keep smiling”. Yes, I know people come at it with the best of intentions, but honestly, after this many years, I’m sick and fucking tired of people who have children trying to say they know how I feel.

Because they don’t.

Echoing a statement from a blog post I wrote a while back, the only acceptable answers are to the effect of:

It’s fucked.

It sucks.

It’s not fair.

I look over to my left and see the room where no child has entered, where there are toys and clothes and books and a hole in my heart from our baby who died and the loss of our dream of having a baby that, even if not genetically related to me, would have at least come from my belly. The room that no longer contains the books about Ethiopia for ourselves and our little girl and the African cooking class aprons because we can’t even hear the word Ethiopia without getting emotional. I think about where we were a year ago and the small window of joy that was late June, July, and early August before the end came. About how during our treatments we thought we were invincible because we had so many embryos, and we saw failure through six rounds of physically and emotionally devastating hormones, through skin cancer and back injury and being abandoned by my own mother during the miscarriage. No one knows this like I know it. I don’t need advice.

No one going through this needs advice. They need love and support and respect for their unique situation. I don’t want to hear from someone who made it to the other side telling me they know exactly how I feel today. They get to kiss their child(ren).

Meanwhile, I sit here with no idea if we’ll ever have even one child as my husband nears his 50th birthday. I watch my dog refuse her food, cataracts now clouding her vision, and my husband break down in tears this morning at the realization today that yes, we’ll be losing our sweet girl Ruby, who we’ve only had for 2 1/2 years, sooner rather than later.

  One thought on “So Fucking Done (today’s vent)

  1. mamajo23
    June 24, 2017 at 7:17 pm

    ughhhhhhhhhh it all just f’ing sucks. Your husband sounds like he gives good advice to help protect you. I’m sorry you are facing all this right now.

    Like

  2. June 24, 2017 at 7:39 pm

    Oh dear God, people are such shits. Seriously, total shits. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this on top of everything else. (((hugs)))

    Liked by 1 person

  3. June 24, 2017 at 9:10 pm

    Ah man, some humans! You really don’t need that shit! If we were pen pals, I’d send this card https://emilymcdowell.com/collections/empathy-cards/products/everything-happens-for-a-reason-card

    Like

  4. June 25, 2017 at 3:45 am

    😦 we all have that one relationship where they treat you as disposable, convenient when they need something and vanish when they don’t. Those people definitely do not deserve your time and energy. I say no now, I do nothing for free except for a very limited list of people.
    People suck. I hate the ‘stay positive’ and ‘keep smiling’ crap, people would say that to me when I had depression…. if I could stay positive I wouldn’t be depressed you freaking nobjockeys. If you want to kick, scream and vent, do it and tell anyone who says otherwise to shove it where the sun don’t shine.
    Sorry to hear about Ruby 😦 life is so unfair sometimes.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 25, 2017 at 7:39 am

      I wish it was only one! My mother and brother both abandoned ship, just glad to have my husband’s step mum in Australia. Thanks for the support, you’re awesome…

      Liked by 1 person

    • June 25, 2017 at 7:40 am

      And I’m totally borrowing ‘nobjockeys’ btw…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. June 25, 2017 at 9:06 am

    All of its awful, but I just about died right here:
    “When I mentioned my back pain that was really debilitating while on the hormones, putting me in flare-up mode she had the nerve to offer to SELL me some of her herbal products that she sold as part of her side hustle”
    I practically spit out my water.

    Like

  6. June 25, 2017 at 2:05 pm

    I’m sorry. It does suck. XXX

    Like

  7. June 26, 2017 at 2:43 am

    Some people, i have no words… it is shit 😦

    Like

  8. June 26, 2017 at 7:07 am

    “Keep smiling”?!?! WTF?!?! Who even talks like that? I wanna slap that woman and I don’t even know her!

    Like

  9. June 26, 2017 at 10:44 am

    I cried my eyes out reading this. I don’t know how much pain one person, one couple can endure. I’m so so sorry to hear about Ruby. I cannot imagine how you are both coping.
    Your picture is right; it’s just trying to keep moving until life shows or brings you any kind of hope or joy again. I hope that your physical pain starts to improve soon but I know your emotional pain is not something you ever recover from.
    …Which is why it sends me fucking irate when people say things like “keep smiling”. GO AND FUCK YOURSELF. The fucking audacity of that! Also people in the world who take take take and when you need someone to lean on they fucking VANISH, allowing what they perceive to be just enough time before texting you “are you feeling better?” … I.e. “Are you feeling well enough for me to dump all of my shallow shit on you again?”. Because if they had one fucking ounce of imagination and realise that you don’t ever feel better from all of the trauma you’ve been through.
    They say when you’re walking through shit keep moving but at this point I guess it’s just a case of keeping breathing and keeping close to each other. A change has to come soon. Keep ranting. Get it out. And I think anyone who wants anything from you for the foreseeable future needs to go elsewhere.
    X

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 26, 2017 at 10:51 am

      Thank you so much for this. I am having such a hard time right now and my work has slowed down so much this month that I don’t even have that to distract me, so my poor husband is holding the world up for us. I actually told him last night that I no longer believe that things can get better because every time I think I’m at rock bottom something else happens to make life even shittier. It’s like I’ve been beat down and I’m just sitting there looking up at life going, what are you going to do to me now? Obviously I hope it’s going to change for the better but today it’s very dark.

      Like

      • June 26, 2017 at 12:11 pm

        I can’t blame you for feeling this way. You have had so much shit thrown at you. I still think it’s amazing that you’re writing as you are. I’m glad you’re being candid about how fucking brutal it is for you guys right now because hopefully it’s some kind of release to get it ‘on paper’. The healing process alone after ivf is a hell ride. I don’t have any answers because there are none. To go through what you’ve gone through and still show such courage is beyond admirable. A change has got to come soon. Xxx

        Like

  10. Betty
    June 26, 2017 at 12:43 pm

    It’s fucked, it sucks, and it’s not fair. It’s really not fair. I don’t know how you feel but I am here to listen and empathize. Last year at this time I was also experiencing a pregnancy that I lost, though. It’s weird how the dates and the weather and things like the fireworks are making me remember that, Oh yes I was 6 weeks at this time, or whatever. It makes me angry that we bought thought we’d be mothers by now and it didn’t happen. It’s fucked. It sucks. It’s not fair.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. June 26, 2017 at 5:48 pm

    People are fucking idiots. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with all of that on top of everything else. This is one of those days I wish I could just reach through the screen and give you a hug. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  12. June 28, 2017 at 3:08 am

    wow, I can hardly believe the story about your cousin. I honestly don’t understand how somebody could get a message saying all you’ve been through and then not say anything in any way supportive or even knowledge it! I’m sorry this relationship has turned out to be yet another disappointing one. It’s sad that so many people seem to lack any empathy these days.

    Like

  13. June 28, 2017 at 1:49 pm

    Your cousin….that friend….euuggh. You are clearly have more self control than me as I would have blown my top. So sorry to hear about Ruby. You are so overdue some good luck.

    Like

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