Where We Are Today


One day at a time, I tell myself. Wake up, remember to breathe, try to enjoy the little things, get your work done, kiss your beloved, take care of your body, focus on healing, and again, remember to breathe. That’s where I am today.

I’m trying. That’s all I can do. Some days are stay-the-hell-in-bed, others I can think about tomorrow. We’ve got a lot of financial obligations coming up and it’s put a lot of pressure on me as a business owner to produce. I’d made the mistake of mentioning to our therapist that we’re going to “take the summer off” mentally after all the infertility shit we’ve been through, and she assumed that meant taking it easy. Notsomuch. First of all, my herniated disc, more than 5 months post-injury, is still in pretty bad shape. I can sit for 10 or 15 minutes in a harder chair now, but it’s still an exceptional day if I can walk more than 30 minutes before being so wiped out it feels like I’ve finished a half-marathon.


This week I got my annual breast thermography, which actually has been 2 years delayed because of all that damn DEIVF (high levels of estrogen and progesterone, I learned after one, can give false readings), and while preliminary findings look good, there’s a left spot that needs review. While I was there, my wonderful new thermographer offered to do a quick image of my lower back so we could get a quick look at what things look like from an inflammation perspective. Hyperthermia – spots of pain – are indicated by red and white, so as you can see in the image below, my L5 vertebrae is hot as hell (I know, the white bit looks like my crack but I promise, it’s definitely my aching L5!) and spreads out to the right side. Good to know it’s not all in my head, I suppose, but kind of scary to see how much is still going on after so damn long. My heart has ached with the depression that has accompanied this debilitating back pain, the kind of injury has not allowed me to do so many of the normal things in my life. I haven’t been on a bike since last fall. I haven’t been to a movie since last fall. I haven’t taken a hike since last fall. I haven’t been out to dinner with my husband since last fall. I haven’t touched my toes or lifted anything of any substantial weight or gotten on my hands and knees to dig in the dirt or done a downward facing dog or tied my shoes without incredible effort. It’s a real shit.

Oh and as we approach the pink-ified hell for infertile couples that is Mother’s Day, I had the great fortune of seeing this asshole post about how motherhood makes women better at their jobs, and yeah, went on a bit of a rampage against the elitist complex that is in so many women who have kids and automatically think that they can make blanket statements about the superiority of mothers, essentially shitting all over those of us who can’t (along with those who choose not to) have children. Many of us know what it’s like to be one of the many childless people in the workplace who worked overtime while watching parents come in late, leave early, and get to work from home while employers laughed at our requests for a work/life balance. Yeah, I want more than anything to be a mother, but will having a dependent make me better than other women? Fuck no.

“Too often, women who are child-free by circumstance are left with the sense of not having a proper life. And many women who are childfree by choice find themselves vilified as heartless, selfish types lacking some vital quality that would make them “real” women.” (source)

Needless to say, I’m in the Anger stage of Grief.




14 thoughts on “Where We Are Today

  1. Thank you for being real and the update. I also read your comments on the LinkedIn link. I didn’t have the stomach to read the self-congratulatory, saccharine –oh and smug– sentiments of how amazing mothers (this time in the workforce) in advance of the “pinkified hell for infertile couples known as Mother’s Day.” I read your comments and was kept saying to myself “yes” and “thank you.” Thank you for speaking up and shining a spotlight on the 1 and 8 couples. You rock. Hugs.


  2. Wow – the image of you back is both impressive and depressing. :/
    The LinkedIn article was bullshit.
    And anger is by far my favorite stage of grief if I had to pick one. Granted, no grief would be ideal but we all know that life sucks and is unfair.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Dude, your back is so borked! I mean, I believed you that it was really messed up; it’s just that the image really slaps one in the face.
    And thank you for your honesty. Thank you for allowing the privilege of glimpsing your grieving process. It is an honor and a privilege to be included in that process. For what it’s worth, my heart is sad for you. Sending you (((hugs)))


  4. The anger stage of grief is hard, and I think you are doing really well to express it. I really feel for you dealing with this and your back too, I’m so sorry you are going through a real hell hole. I wish you heal quick. I know you are empty arms this Mother’s Day, but you do have a mother heart, I’m thinking of you on this day.

    I read that article too but I stopped reading it half way down. I hate these kind of articles that puts moms v non moms 😡 I wrote a blog post a while ago about ‘how being a mother is NOT the most important job in the world’ contrary to one of these very types of smug articles that make me mad. I agree it really is a pile of poo.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. That linkedin article is horrible to non mothers! There’s no need for mothers to kick non moms when they are already down! And make us feel even more worthless. It also bugs me in the workplace how parents get so much special treatment and non parents are just expected to have free time to stay late in the office or whatever. Our time isn’t seen as being as valuable

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I find that post hateful and excluding – does she realise what she’s implying about people without kids when she presents ideas such as “showing up for our kids makes us more emotionally intelligent…working while mothering mandates that we develop broader, better relationships with others.” Compared to those without kids, or compared to how the mothers were before they gave birth? (which is the same, no?). Ugh.

    Liked by 2 people

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