I’m not trying to put on a happy face. Things suck, and that’s how it is. Pictures and inspirational quotes don’t mean I’m not struggling just to breathe, that I am not awash in grief. I’m not in anyone’s club now. I have yet to read a story about 6 failed rounds of DEIVF. That’s not how it works, at least from what I’ve seen over the years.
Even if domestic adoption occurs, it’s apples and oranges. In no way does it solve or cure our broken hearts. There is no “at least” response that is acceptable to provide.
“Try a new donor,” someone said. An $18,000 lottery ticket…again? After 6 fails using the eggs of a 5 time proven donor? “Why not get a surrogate?” another said. Yes, as if I have $100,000 in my purse (sorry, not selling my house and living on the streets, kind of defeats the purpose). “It’s going to be okay, you will get through this.” Now just shut the fuck up with that. It’s not ever going to be okay that my ovaries gave up long ago. It’s not ever going to be okay that my body went through 9 A and B blastocysts like they were nothing. It’s not ever going to be okay that my body has failed over and over and over.
I told my husband this: even if the money supply were bottomless, if I had to endure another rejection I do believe that my heart would burst, and I might never recover. My mental health is teetering right now. After we got home from the coast, reality returned and I felt the sinking like no other. The gutteral wail that I could no longer suppress. The complete and utter loneliness of knowing we have no child from my womb, no little girl from Ethiopia, and no explanation why on either.
For those of you who have not gone through donor egg IVF, I have to be blunt: this is different than transfer fails with your own eggs. Ultimately, you’ve not had to say goodbye to your own genetic connection and then still see abject failure in another’s eggs that you paid $5,000 for, and see that happen six times.. And I’m not saying this in a “pain Olympics” kind of way, I’m simply saying that to get fucked six times in a row with someone else’s eggs where the success rates are close to 80% compared to traditional IVF’s which are that are less than half that? It’s beyond freakshow feeling. Then to have the adoption that we wanted (it was not an alternative to fertility treatments, it was something we always felt strongly about, in a non-Jesus-freak way) get canceled? Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit.
It’s fucked, and it sucks, and it’s not fair. Those are the only appropriate responses to what we’re dealing with.
And now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.