I don’t even have pictures for today, as I’m in such a twist emotionally and physically.
Took the test this morning, just the one line. Realized I only have digital tests left, maybe I need to go get ones with lines for tonight in case we get our dream and it’s a faint line that comes up before an absolute yes/no on a digital… I don’t know how many pieces I will fall into if we end this journey having done six donor egg cycles and none of them work. But then I re-read my bfp post from early July of last year and saw that I was in the same psychological torture limbo. Don’t ask me why I took a test at 3am then another at 9am. Good grief, Aimee. But it is what it is, and if I take sixteen tests today, so be it.
I re-read posts from results week last year and the other thing that happened right before we got our BFP was that we were told that the adoption process for our little one in Ethiopia was going to probably take 2-4 more years (when we signed up wait times were around 6-12 months, so during IVF we were only transferring one embryo at a time because we were so afraid that it’d not only work but that the adoption would go through at the same time, right?).
Well, today, the day before our beta, the adoption agency just posted a link from USCIS (immigration) that came out at close of business today – Friday – stating:
On April 21, an official from Ethiopia’s Ministry of Women and Children (MOWA) informed U.S. Embassy Addis Ababa that it is suspending its processing of intercountry adoption cases, effective immediately. The U.S. Department of State does not yet know how long this suspension will last.
So it’s not the US that’s suspended the program, but the bureaucratic nightmare in Addis that has been brewing literally since right around the time our paperwork arrived at their offices, when the city was dealing with riots and MOWA (their version of DHS) decided to completely clean house and hire a new staff.
Yeah, not exactly feeling on it today. It feels strange to talk to my husband and hear him echo what he said last year:
Hopefully we’re pregnant and it’ll be a moot point.
But here’s the thing – it would never truly be a moot point, because Dan and I *always* wanted to adopt. Adoption was not a backup plan for infertility. We always said we wanted to do both. Our first meeting with the agency was before our first IUI, y’all, and we are madly in love with the Ethiopian culture and everything that the process of adding to our already-international family entailed. To hear our program has been suspended is devastating, to put it mildly. Oh and the fact that we’ve already put $18,000 into it…
So when you put contingency plans in order (like we did last summer), your mind goes a bit haywire. Go to an adoption attorney for something domestic that’s semi-open (i.e., meet the birth parents but without any contractual visitation obligations like the primary ones here in town)? See if India’s adoption program with our same agency has a shorter wait time? We can’t imagine NOT being parents. Yet at the same time, there are also boundaries that we’ve begun to establish to protect our emotional sanity after the hell we’ve been through for so, so long. If we don’t get our BFP tomorrow, I won’t do IVF again – not even with a new donor.
But my god(dess), I hope we do.
I sat outside for a bit watching the ducklings run amok, then later came out to find them all cuddled up under the chaise lounge, heads tucked in their feathers for a nap, and I could hear myself telling our little ones to walk softly amongst them, helping us feed them, hearing her raucous giggles as they dove under water over and over again in their oversized bucket.
This mother inside me, she won’t be forgotten.