5dp5dt: (AKA Yer killin’ me smalls!)


5 days. Implantation should be complete, and cells that become the placenta and fetus should be starting to develop. Over the next 3 days, HCG should start secreting into the blood stream and dammit, I am testing daily now for those magic two lines…all because of forums with some saying they got their positives this early. Oy vey. But whatever, it’s early and I got my positive last time at 7.5 days so I’m crazy early.

So I fell today. Fast. Horrible emotional breakdown. The ugly cry in the car outside of the community pool after for the umpteenth try there was still no room for me to do my aqua therapy despite the staff telling me there would be, thereby making my attempts at this mode of PT impossible. I am feeling like shit mentally but the fear that my back will never get better is ten times worse – not even incremental improvement. I stand up and type for more than 5 minutes, my back hurts. I sit in one place for more than 5 minutes, my back hurts. I lay down in one position for more than 10-15 minutes, I have to change positions. I have never felt so antsy in my life, and so completely out of control with my own body. Drugs do nothing. PT thus far has done nothing – they’d given me exercises but since going onto IVF drugs matched with a backup PT who gave me advanced stuff I wasn’t ready for, I flared up for 3 weeks and have never quite recovered from that. I am not getting stronger, I am not feeling any type of hope – it’s all drained from me. Our backup plan was if this doesn’t work at least we can travel…but if I can’t get on a fucking airplane or in a car for more than 30 minutes without severe pain? I’m screwed.

So, I asked my husband to take me for a walk, and we brought our girl Ruby along to a giant, nearly desolate 5 acre dog park where we all slowed down and took a breath. Then we stopped at Burgerville for cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes (after a warm foods obsession, it was time to eat something naughty) – yum. Then we came home and I finished off the day with hair dye.


Because, y’all, I physically feel like this:


 Prednisone, Estrogen and Progesterone have me puffy and pissy and pooped. I’m gassy and grumpy and my pits smell stank no matter how much deo I wear. And yeah, I’m a bit scared shitless. Still thinking optimistically, but realizing, as a friend told me today, that I’m…Human.

Amazing concept, eh?


7 thoughts on “5dp5dt: (AKA Yer killin’ me smalls!)

  1. Aw I wish i could write something that will make everything better. Life hugely sucks sometimes- it really does 😦 The walk with your husband and Ruby sounds wonderful – sometimes a bit of fresh air and some bad food can do us the world of good. Thoughts are with you and hoping you feel better!


  2. Yeah, I understand the abject misery you described over the aquatic PT snafu. I sometimes get that way over my COPD. So this is me, sending you (((hugs))) and good wishes for the test results


  3. I’m sorry that PT didn’t work out. And I feel so bad about your back pain. I’ve never had back issues so I don’t know what to say. 😦 I love the images especially Mr. Stay Puft. I’ve been following your xdp5dt posts with interest even though I haven’t commented. Holding you, hubby, Ruby, and embryos (I’m sorry, I forgot if you transferred one or two) in my heart.


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