Yesterday I laid on the acupuncture table with my eyes closed and let my mind take me wherever it wanted to go.
I started thinking about our Doula that we absolutely fell in love with and chose to work with when we were just about nine weeks pregnant. And when I got home I open the mailbox to find a card from her, telling us she was thinking about us during this time.
Today would have been our due date.
Today was supposed to be the day we were walking around the neighborhood, me holding my belly, waddling around trying to get things going towards labor.
Today was supposed to be the day we would welcome our doula and midwife into our home, and prepare to bring our little one into the world.
Today was supposed to be the day two became three.
The sun is out and the ducklings are eating up a storm and we managed to get onions and carrots and shallots sown in the garden beds and my husband divided and transplanted hops and rhubarb and the dog is lying on the floor at the base of my bed as I write this post.
But the shelves in the little room we had converted to a nursery lay dusty, with the books and stuffed animals and even a couple of onesies we had bought to celebrate this new life we were so excited and grateful to be bringing into the world. My eyes blur a bit when I walk into that room, so I can focus on the present and the future, and just keep breathing.
Yes we have our final attempt coming up next month. But this life I had inside my belly is still precious to me, no matter how small it was. We saw his blinking heart on the monitor, I felt my body beginning to react to this tiny little life inside of me, and we shared our joy with the world.
When our baby died, a piece of my heart died as well. That will always be our child we lost, and always a tragedy we endured along this path. It is not a blip on the radar, it will never be a stumbling block. It was our baby, and today was the day he should have come into the world. Today was the day my husband would have become a father and I would have become a mother.
Today will not be forgotten. I will always hold you close in my heart, my baby. Always.