WTF, seriously?

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After the second mock cycle, today was ERA biopsy #2. Took my valium, took my vicodin, popped my ibuprofen, and…my fucking cervix would not open. Now any of you who’ve had your cervix manually dilated know that this is a hell unlike no other. Well, I’ve had this done seven times in my life, so was ready for that. But when the doc says, even with the dilation my cervix will not open enough to let in the smallest catheter, was I prepared for that?

Fuck no. I was crying on the exam table.

Because this is all about timing, there is no rescheduling the biopsy. So we were given two choices:

  1. Let him use a long sword-like implement (imagine those long metal skewers one might use for shish kabobs) to basically ram its way through my nearly-closed cervix  into my uterus – which even HE said would cause my uterus to “react significantly” (i.e., fucking hurt more than any thing I’ve ever felt before), and probably cause my already fucked up lower back to spasm because of the incredible tension and pain I was already in after repeat “repositioning” of the speculum and jabs with the plastic “knife” as I sweetly call it, OR
  2. Go ahead and do the transfer in April based on P+6 which was the estimate of Igenomix for when a transfer would be good. Yes, there’s a slight possibility of it still not being the right timing, but I did get pregnant once on P+5, so I can’t imagine that P+7 would really be the verdict from a second biopsy.

So, with that, we’re choosing option #2. I’ve got an email out to the lovely genetics gal at Igenomix to see if she has any suggestions on timing of the actual transfer that day, but otherwise, fuck it, I’m done with fake cycles.

Fortunately I didn’t have to cough up the $1,000 for the biopsy and go through reimbursement hell with my insurance company, but still got to pay $140 out of pocket just for the pleasure of the visit. You know you’ve been infertile a long time when that kind of expenditure seems like chump change.

So there ya go, a fucking nightmare hour today after a fake hormone cycle and a few hundred bucks spent for nothing on PIO & Delestrogen.

Oh and ya gotta love when we told the doc’s assistant that this will be our last transfer. She didn’t understand why we’d give up if we still had more embryos left, but here’s the deal, she’s never been through it. We’ve already goen through 7 embryos, and this time will be the 8th & 9th. I want my life back, I want my marriage to not be with me on one vicious hormone cycle after another (2 IUIs, 6 IVFs, and 2 mock cycles in 2 years, boys and girls, it’s a shit load. She then asks, “So are you going to do surrogacy if this doesn’t work?” and I’m like, girl I don’t have $100K+ for that (she had no idea that’s how much it cost or that people do crowdfunding campaigns just to raise $ for this) and besides that, I’m already on donor egg IVF. A surrogate with a donor egg – for me – just seems silly – with DEIVF I could at least be pregnant (and benefit from epigenetics), but putting a second mortgage on the house for a possibility it might work in another womb, with my husband’s sperm the only connection? For me, I’d rather spend another $30K on domestic adoption.

Hopefully the final round will work, but that’s where I stand on that.

But hey, we cool. Because you know what? The end of IVF is coming. I’m hopping back onto the pill tomorrow and in a month-ish we’ll be kicking off the last cycle ever of Delestrogen, PIO, and TWW’s. It’s a shit, but it’s a relief as well – knowing that if this doesn’t work, at least I’ll have ME back.

Next week we are going to complete domestic adoption training (they don’t transfer over from agency to agency, so even though we did 10 hours with the international agency). Why do it before we’ve had our transfer? Easy – if it doesn’t work we’ll be a few steps into it, and can be on the waitlist by summer, and with an average wait time of 13 months (just depends on how soon you get picked – can be as little as 3 months!), we could be parents by 2018.

Who the fuck knows. Today it’s a crazy 58 degrees and the bees are celebrating outside the hive. That’s where I’m headed y’all. Enough of the cervix for a while.

cervix-someecards

Obviously this meme was referring to something other than an ERA biopsy but still, it is so true. Especially with a metal speculum and various other torture devices. Makes those PIO booty shots seem like fun…

 

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  One thought on “WTF, seriously?

  1. February 9, 2017 at 2:55 pm

    AHHHHHH. Girl, I am so sorry. My 2nd time around my cervix also wouldn’t open and they had to use a skewer and basically I almost passed out. Horrible pain. Anyway. You don’t want a part of that especially with your back situation. Oy. Glad its over and here are best wishes for March!

    Like

    • February 9, 2017 at 8:20 pm

      Glad I didn’t try to be a hero…bleah!!!

      Like

    • February 9, 2017 at 8:37 pm

      Hey, I’m assuming that your actual transfer went smoothly right? Just a one time issue?

      Like

      • February 10, 2017 at 7:57 am

        Yes, it did go smoothly. Then again, this was before the hell of the biopsies. I think my body literally tried to stop the procedure the second time around. It was like “I know whats coming…”

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        • February 10, 2017 at 8:02 am

          Got it. My first one wasn’t fun but was over so fast and the dilator hurt but I didn’t feel the actual biopsy which was crazy. I’m seriously thinking about asking for sedation for the transfer since it’s the last one and I don’t want to risk anything going sideways (or additional physical stress).

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        • February 10, 2017 at 8:17 am

          I always said if I have to eventually do a THIRD biopsy, or scratch, for any reason, I will be asking for sedation. It was so awful. And that’s just a biopsy, not a transfer! So I totally get where your head’s at

          Like

  2. February 10, 2017 at 2:25 am

    I’m sorry, that appointment sounded horrible. You poor thing! That doctor’s assistant clearly hasn’t been on the other side of infertility treatments or she’d know how hard it is. I’ve a friend who was done after just one IVF round, she just couldn’t face it all again! There is some relief in knowing this is your final time doing an IVF transfer and then you’ll get your life back whatever happens.

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    • February 10, 2017 at 7:50 am

      Yeah I’m actually stunned I went through 5 rounds already, you know? DEIVF was a bit easier physically obviously since I have never had the egg harvesting bit and our donor and my husband’s sperm made so many blastocysts that froze, the cost was a wee bit less (but still, we’ve spent well over $30k). Ugh.

      Like

  3. February 10, 2017 at 4:04 am

    Ah I am so sorry that sounds utterly rubbish 😦 It’s good you guys are so clear though, i do believe there’s go to be a cut off at some point, i’m not fan of ‘have faith, for me it worked if you keep trying blah blah blah’ people can give up their lives, i’ve read so many blogs and to what cost.. Sounds like a good plan to get started on the adoption side of things, whatever happens it’s not going to do any harm to be a few steps in x

    Like

    • February 10, 2017 at 7:41 am

      We’re already 2 years and $15,000 into international adoption actually as we started that the same time we started fertility treatments, but they told us last summer it’d be 2-4 more years just for a referral, so we’re just not confident that one will ever happen.

      Liked by 1 person

      • February 10, 2017 at 8:15 am

        My goodness that’s so expensive and frustrating 😦 I just hope domestic goes much better!!

        Like

        • February 10, 2017 at 8:24 am

          Faster but actually MORE expensive. Domestic infant adoption is $33,000. The training alone next week is $500 😦

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        • February 10, 2017 at 9:10 am

          My goodness! That’s so expensive! I am not sure of the costs involved in UK adoption just yet by the US really does seem out of control 😦

          Like

  4. February 10, 2017 at 7:33 am

    Sweet jesus my cervix clamped shut reading the description of option 1. Cheers to having a plan for your transfer, I can understand the relief of knowing that the roller coaster of cycles will soon be over, whether it be from pregnancy or from moving on to the next plan. It must be freeing!

    Liked by 1 person

    • February 10, 2017 at 7:46 am

      Yeah I read about women doing sedation for the transfer which I think I’m going to request, as I want to make sure my body goes through as little stress as possible during the final transfer.

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  5. February 11, 2017 at 5:39 am

    sending (((hugs)))

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  6. February 11, 2017 at 2:58 pm

    Wow cervix, well played. It sounds like you have made some good choices though!

    Like

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