Ebb and Flow

Hope Within (source)

“Hollowness: that I understand. I’m starting to believe that there isn’t anything you can do to fix it…the holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mold yourself through the gaps.”
~ Paula Hawkins, The Girl on the Train

You know, you go through this so many times that by the time the wave of emotion hits you from the rising concentrations of estrogen in your body, you just shut down, walk away, go home, and stare at the television. You are keenly aware that the overwhelming irritation surging through you at just about everyone is something you can’t just explain to someone not going through it. You are tired with the familiarity of the twice weekly shots, tired of feeling like shit and reaching instinctively for food your body doesn’t need, tired of realizing that right now you should have had a great big belly with just five weeks to go until Two Plus One finally equaled Family.

You watch stories of women who have also struggled, who have lost their babies as well, and you remember so deeply of that day in August when your world was shaken to the core, when everything seemed to end right there and then. You walk out to your garden and you see Jizo out there, with your necklace around him reminding you of how you’d wished for this child so much it was part of every fiber of your being. And you hurt, all over again, wondering if this last try will be the end, or just the beginning.

“Sometimes life turns out hard, Isabel. Sometimes it just bites right through you. And sometimes, just when you think it’s done its worst, it comes back and takes another chunk.”
― M.L. Stedman, The Light Between Oceans


10 thoughts on “Ebb and Flow

  1. Wishing for you that this is the beginning and not the end.
    The grief of loss never parts us and it’s true that our roots grow around it; but they will take you somewhere new, perhaps somewhere new and beautiful where you never expected X


  2. I recognize every ounce of your pain…the weeks leading up to the due date for our Warrior that wasn’t were truly some of the most painful weeks of my life.In many ways, they hurt more than the initial loss…people surround you at the beginning, your anguish right after a miscarriage is justified…but months later…I sensed everyone thought I should be ‘over it’ by then. My only advice…be kind to yourself. Own your emotions. Forgive yourself for feeling miserable..your grief is not only acceptable, it is necessary. Sending you strength…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi! This isn’t a comment on this post but a general question I have for you. Has your doc ever spoken to you about cumulus co culture? My doc is trying that on me this time (bit of a surprise – I’m actually in the clinic right now waiting for the procedure!) and I wonder if you have any information or have tried it?


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