“Hollowness: that I understand. I’m starting to believe that there isn’t anything you can do to fix it…the holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mold yourself through the gaps.”
~ Paula Hawkins, The Girl on the Train
You know, you go through this so many times that by the time the wave of emotion hits you from the rising concentrations of estrogen in your body, you just shut down, walk away, go home, and stare at the television. You are keenly aware that the overwhelming irritation surging through you at just about everyone is something you can’t just explain to someone not going through it. You are tired with the familiarity of the twice weekly shots, tired of feeling like shit and reaching instinctively for food your body doesn’t need, tired of realizing that right now you should have had a great big belly with just five weeks to go until Two Plus One finally equaled Family.
You watch stories of women who have also struggled, who have lost their babies as well, and you remember so deeply of that day in August when your world was shaken to the core, when everything seemed to end right there and then. You walk out to your garden and you see Jizo out there, with your necklace around him reminding you of how you’d wished for this child so much it was part of every fiber of your being. And you hurt, all over again, wondering if this last try will be the end, or just the beginning.
“Sometimes life turns out hard, Isabel. Sometimes it just bites right through you. And sometimes, just when you think it’s done its worst, it comes back and takes another chunk.”
― M.L. Stedman,