A different kind of TWW…

question-girl

So the ERA biopsy has officially come and gone!

Since anything regarding that region requires a dilator for my itty bitty cervix, this time I took 600mg of ibuprofen instead of 400mg (thanks infertility forum users who mentioned they took 600-800, not the 400mg I have been advised to take pre-procedures in the past, the latter which I take for a basic headache) along with popping a valium and vicodin beforehand. This is the EIGHTH time my cervix has been manually dilated with a tool that, while I refuse to let the doc show it to me, has itty bitty teeth to keep it in place. After the first one (during my 2nd IUI) made me involuntarily curse out my doctor, I most definitely got a scrip for the V&V, and after that it was smooth sailing. This past summer, when I had my endometrial scratch to prepare for Cycle 4, the scratch itself is what hurt like a motherfucker.  I mean, how could it not, right? They’re tearing your uterus.

This time? The dilation…let’s just say I felt it. Fuck oh fuck did I feel it. But seriously deep breathing got me through it, along with my sweet husband holding my hand and keeping my gaze (I swear I have no idea how women do these things with their husbands in the waiting room – or worse, not even at appointments! My husband is just as involved with IVF as I am, and I can’t imagine him not…he IS the father after all, and this is a two-person job as far as we’re concerned). The interesting part? I did NOT feel the actual biopsy as it happened (where he uses another evil tool to suck out a piece of my lining to send off to Igenomix)!!! Perhaps my mind was totally focused on breathing through the dilation tool pain, but as he took out all the tools I actually said, “so wait, it’s done?” Doc said I’m getting good at this. Sigh. But I gotta say, it was kinda cool to not have a traumatic ERA experience over all – compared to the scratch, this was wayyy better.

Anyhoo, so now begins the two week wait for receptivity results. Because of the insanely small window we’d need to have to make the February transfer window, assuming results show me as receptive, I’m staying on estrogen and progesterone until the results come in. One nice thing however is that he’s allowing me to move over to Estradiol and Provera pills during the wait, and if I get a magic Receptivity, I’d change back to the booty shots so I’m doing the creme de la creme hormones.

Like I said in my last post, I’m not simply waiting for the ERA results to determine if I can do a February transfer, I’m also depending on my TSH levels to go down, so even if I do get back onto the booty shots, at the end of January I still need to check my TSH to see if it’s gone down to normal levels. Honestly, it’d be a miracle if in 4-5 weeks it went down to 2.0 or less since it jacked up to 7.5 from 2.5 in 3 weeks, but who knows – if it can jack up so fast perhaps it can plummet quickly. But if not? No worries, we’ll save this til April. I’d rather get things as close to perfect as possible for this final try, you know?

centipede

On another positive note, my first appointment was today as well, with my new PT/osteopath – and it was freakin’ GREAT. She was so so SO who I needed to see, and truly took PT to the next level as I needed it to be, with a true holistic approach, talking about me not just about my back but understanding all of me, from my past injuries to IVF to thyroid and so much more. Osteopathic manipulation? Y’all, I highly recommend it. The first PT really just gave me a few hugely complex exercises, spending most of the time training me how to do them in the studio and sending me home, rather than actually doing bodywork – not to mention making her treatment black and white (either do these 5 exercises or go elsewhere…yikes). So going to this woman made me exhale, and while I’ve got an interesting road ahead to conquer so I can get strong and create a new direction that will hopefully help prevent future injuries, I’m super optimistic.

And that’s always a good thing.

Oh and as the final part of my day, I had my annual eye exam, and it wasn’t until I was walking in there that I remember my optometrist is also battling infertility. So we got there, and she asked how I was doing and I fell into tears and told her the 2 minute summary of my multiple DEIVFs & miscarriage. She is going to my RE as well and her first transfer is next month, as she has endometriosis and had to have a bunch of fibroids that had grown removed from her uterus before the doc would do any kind of IVF. Sucks for her but in a weird way it made me feel less worried about my own uterus, as I have a 2 cm fibroid tucked in the back that hasn’t done anything and that the doc said is fine as it’s nowhere near where an embryo would implant (although it makes me feel like my uterus is a vast cavern of darkness…), and it’s good to hear that he does act on fibroid situations. Weird? I dunno, as I overthink just about everything these days.

But I gotta say, it’s hard talking to people who are IVF rookies sometimes, as prepping for Cycle Six while I see so many come and go getting their BFP’s and here I am, feeling like I’m trapped in childlessness prison with a life sentence where I wonder if they’ve thrown away the keys. The Ethiopia adoption’s agency has no rhyme or reason, and zero communication about where we are, just that we’ll have years to wait. Ugh.

Last night I made a travel bucket list. You know, all the countries of the world I want to visit. Part of me felt like I was planning for an alternate reality, the lonely one without a little one of our own. Do we spend another $30K on domestic adoption or do we use that money that we’d have to save our arses off for to travel the world and hope someday Ethiopia works out? I dunno.

But that’s melancholy me peeking out. Back to positive me…

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  One thought on “A different kind of TWW…

  1. January 4, 2017 at 2:27 am

    I take 600mg of ibuprofen for endo pain – 400 does nothing these days for pain in the nethers. In Italy when I lived there they sold 600mg and 800mg!! all-in-one pills… I got into taking the 800mg dose when I was there but got crippling back ache from it (liver hurting?). Anyway I find taking 600mg about five times a month over three days is fine; it’s true people think 400 is the very max dose, so hopefully reading your piece and this they’ll know they can pop 600…
    Sorry to hear you were feeling a bit desolate: here’s to things looking up in ’17.

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  2. January 4, 2017 at 2:03 pm

    I HAAAAATE the cervix dilator but I also hate hate hate the biopsy! I am so glad you didnt feel it!

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    • January 4, 2017 at 2:24 pm

      Yeah it was SO weird as the scratch earlier in the year was torture!

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  3. January 4, 2017 at 3:00 pm

    Sorry, I couldn’t concentrate much past imagining an instrument with metal teeth being used on the cervix.

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  4. January 4, 2017 at 3:02 pm

    Grrr…didn’t mean to post that comment yet! I was going to add that you’re a brave woman! I had a cervical biopsy once, years ago, and I’ll never forget that pain. Glad you didn’t at least have that part of the experience. 🙂

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    • January 4, 2017 at 6:08 pm

      Ha, thanks! Well the ERA has got to happen so I know if the implantation date has been wrong all this time or not, so it’s a minute of discomfort that could make all the difference in the world 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  5. margo
    January 5, 2017 at 2:47 pm

    With all the trials and tribulations of your situation and others I know about,, I sometimes get the ancient Greek idea that the gods are up in the clouds rolling about laughing their arses off at the humans and their lives.
    A friend had 10 IVF procedures, accepted the outcome and decided to buy an expensive sports car as consolation.For some reason there was an 11th try……. and her little passenger is now 9 years old,…. who the hell can know what will happen.
    So make some awesome plans for travel or whatever, make big , grand outstanding plans and embrace the world of ‘what if ‘
    No one knows what the possibilities are in their future, your life path may be very different from what you imagine, you have each other, go forward from there. Your special spirit may be needed to change the lives of many children not just your own.

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