Like Jules…?


January is here. Oh happy day!

I’d really had a feeling that the massive levels of stress over the past month, from my back injury that I’m *still* not recovered from, to my husband’s car accident, to the $800 ambulance bill for the aforementioned back injury that came in, to the stress of the holidays, and more, really contributed to my TSH levels tripling in a month, bolstered by the mock cycle Delestrogen injections. After my last post, I just had a feeling that stress was contributing to it. When I hurt my back, I was told I was extra cold because my body heat was all concentrating on the back injury, and that made me think of my immune system. And since the thyroid has a major impact on the immune system, I thought, well it makes sense that it got jacked up even more dramatically this month, along with the TSH-boosting power of estrogen injections…

So when I read 5 Ways that Stress Causes Hypothyroid Symptoms, I figured I’d ask my ND [who by the way suddenly decided in the height of her passive-aggressiveness to claim that it was a “miscommunication” (a term assholes use to not be accountable for what they say…don’t we hear that term at least weekly from a politician who’s said something sickeningly racist or sexist?) and that golly gee she DOES have a prescription to write me, taking two more days to actually call it in to the correct pharmacy, making it an entire week since my shitty labs came in] about the possibility that it’s not the compounding meds that were the problem but a combination of stress and Delestrogen IM shots jacking it up? And her vague answer “oh we take that into consideration” – while not actually answering the question or advising anything to help during this exceptionally trying time.

So I got on the waitlist of the endocrinology clinic to talk to someone who actually has a medical education about my thyroid (figuring even if I can’t get in before my transfer, at least I can eventually get this shit under control for my greater health), who naturally required my past labs, yet I – of course – got the bureaucratic runaround from my ND’s front desk who refused to email them to me and tried saying the only way to get me the form was to fax it (like I have a fucking fax machine) or put it in the mail, claiming they don’t have email (a total lie as all of my communications with the ND are through her business email account) and completely disrespecting the sense of urgency in getting into this place no matter what I said. I was pissed, and made it clear this was fucking ridiculous (this is in addition to the fact that . So I complained to the ND and her backup emailed me the form later that day…no big deal right? I guess not, because today I actually got CHASTISED by the ND for not treating her support staff with enough respect – even though at the same time she admitted that the front desk was incorrect in that a) they could have had an ND email me the form, or b) even easier, they could have pointed me to the link on the website where they’d JUST ADDED THE FORM THIS MONTH! Then gave me another passive aggressive comment to the effect of ‘if you’re not happy with us maybe you should find another place’ mixed with ‘please let me know how I can help!’ Well I told her – wait for it, you’ll never guess what I said – that I have no intention of EVER giving her my business again. Her insensitivity, passive-aggressiveness, and unprofessional behavior was out of control, and so here I am, without a primary care doctor but now not giving a damn. But hey, I have meds for a month. Oy vey. Fuck ’em. I’ll have my RE prescribe it from here on out…that is, if the new meds (175 mcg synthroid, 5 mcg cytomel, and no more LDN) do what they’re supposed to do. God I hope they do.

I breathed a sigh of relief, no longer putting up with that bullshit and focusing on what I do know and what I can manage. While I’ve had frustration with my fertility clinic, I never feel like I’m being misled. While proactive is not exactly the name of the game there, and I have plenty of complaints about the lack of investigation that happens there, I know what I’m getting and that if I ask for something, it will happen without judgment, attitude, or feet-dragging. Perhaps all of this was designed to make me even more independent, even more of a self-advocate, relying on others even less. Story of my life.

Anyhow, the interesting thing is that with my ERA results coming in around the 17th, if it shows as “Receptive”, I’ll have only a few days to restart on meds if I want to do a February cycle…but I can’t check my thyroid until the end of the month, and there’s no way I’m doing a cycle until that’s below 2.0. I have to set myself up for the best chance for success. And along with that, I don’t get a reliable period without hormonal assistance. So, my thought is that after the biopsy on Tuesday, I’ll see what the doc thinks about my staying on Progesterone (switching to the leftover supps from Cycle 5, or the Provera pill), and that way I’d be on it until results are due, so if it’s a thumbs up for transfer #6 in February, I could quickly transition right back into the “real” cycle. Who knows though. It’s like a complex algorithm that needs to be calculated…

I’m on PIO now, prepping for Tuesday, and the familiar low level nausea of progesterone and the utter exhaustion is back, oh joy. Along with that, being jacked up to the maximum 175mcg of T4 for my thyroid means my sleep has been totally fucked, with my mind racing as I try to close up shop for the evening, my heart beating faster than I’d like it to, and last night finally getting up after our midnight toast and staying up til 3am. The first week or so of thyroid med changes always does this, but with the PIO at the same time, I’m a walking funhouse, let me tell ya.

Oh and by the way, something we learned on the first day of PIO? My brilliant idea to use 25 gauge needles for PIO was total crap – sure the needle didn’t hurt going in, but keeping my ass completely still for almost a minute because 2 cc’s of progesterone, with its maple syrup consistency, takes a MUCH longer time to leave a 25 needle. Not worth it. So we keep the 25’s for the smaller-dose delestrogen injections and the 22’s for the PIO. My ass has been there, done that.

So that’s where things are at. Emptying this all out onto the page so I can release and move forward. This morning I spent a couple of solo hours working on our duck coop, which felt really great. Sure it was 36 degrees outside, but I had my warm fleece on, finally found my long-missing work gloves, and made serious progress, getting the vents installed and the hardware cloth liner put up on 3 sides. With my back injury I was limited in what I could do, as if I drop something I have to get into a full squat to pick it up rather than a simple bend over, but at least I could do something which felt great after feeling so damn useless this past month. And hey, just two more days til my appointment with the new PT (two hours before the biopsy, yee haw!

Mentally my plan of action now is to get back into positive mode. I went back and re-read my blog posts from cycle four, where I was the most centered I’d been out of all five cycles (and as most readers know is the one I got pregnant on), and am going to take a few notes from that. Staying positive, visualizing myself as pregnant, meditating, breathing deeply, nourishing my body and soul. Hey we even picked up a Mister Potato Head in honor of Dan’s baby dream he had during that TWW…

I don’t want to think about how I’ll cope if this doesn’t work, but as I insinuated in my last post, if this all bombs again, maybe we’ll do the “just be Jules” for a while, who knows…but in the meantime, I’m going to look on the sunny side…


4 thoughts on “Like Jules…?

  1. That sounds awful! Your primary care doctor sounds like she doesn’t give a rats arse. I have had issues with reception staff at my General Practitioners office but nothing like that! Hope you find a new one that isn’t such an arse.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my I should have warned you about the pio lesson with the different gauges!!! – Chris’s hand shaking from trying to push with the thinner needle made me bruise like a banana!! PIO sucks so much, I’m sorry, I never found a way to make it easier 😔
    I’m wishing you plenty of positivity as you go forward!


  3. Bloody hate those PIO shots! I swear my last cycle they caused loads of lard to latch onto my thighs. Plus I had a weird numb spot on my ass for months.
    I like your thinking re getting back to a positive mindset but don’t beat yourself up in doing it! We can’t be positive all the time! But it is a bit easier to cope with a cycle when you can get into a good state of mind I agree.
    I laughed at your piece of mind to your Dr! She totally deserved that (and more!).

    Liked by 1 person

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