I’m Still Breathing…

fearegg

So today was my mock-cycle ultrasound, with the ironic news that my lining is gorgeous at a teensy bit under 9mm a week before the biopsy – the best it’s ever been. And I was allowing myself to smile, until…

To add a new layer to the shit sandwich I’ve been served this week, my ND decided that she is no longer interested in treating my thyroid condition and that I should ask my RE from now on -with no referral to an actual primary care doctor. No referral do a different primary care doctor, and with full knowledge he is not holistic. Then to add insult to injury, after my RE prescribed 50 mcg of Synthroid today to supplement the compounded prescription I already have from my ND, and I emailed her this, asking if she’d refill my existing prescription…and she REFUSED.

Suddenly she claims that compounding meds “don’t work for me” – even though they are what got me down to a 2.1 TSH just 7 weeks ago, clearly not seeing that estrogen is affecting me and that I probably need a higher dose during IVF cycles. So rather than up my meds, she outright abandoned me as my care provider right in the middle of a cycle. Oh, and did I mention this happens after my RE’s office closes til Tuesday?

And all I could do was cry. Heartbroken that someone I deeply trusted, someone who I thought I was learning from, could jump ship on me mid-cycle, knowing I was battling back from 5 fails including a miscarriage not to mention this back injury.

As I drove home from the doctor’s, I heard this new Green Day song come on the radio, which I wanted to share both as a song for me and a song for my IVF sistas out there fighting the good fight, dealing with the bureaucracy and bullshit of the process, and hoping their mental and physical stay afloat for the next round.

I’m still breathing – and that’s what I’ve got to remember. Bring it, 2017.

I’m like a child looking off in the horizon
I’m like an ambulance that’s turning on the sirens
Oh, I’m still alive
I’m like a soldier coming home for the first time
I dodged a bullet and I walked across a landmine
Oh, I’m still alive

Am I bleeding?
Am I bleeding from the storm?
Just shine a light into the wreckage
So far away, away

‘Cause I’m still breathing
‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own
My head’s above the rain and roses
Making my way away

I’m like a junkie tying off for the last time
I’m like a loser that’s betting on his last dime
Oh, I’m still alive
I’m like a son that was raised without a father
I’m like a mother barely keeping it together
Oh, I’m still alive

Am I bleeding?
Am I bleeding from the storm?
Just shine a light into the wreckage
So far away, away

As I walked out on the ledge
Are you scared to death to live?
I’ve been running all my life
Just to find a home that’s for the restless
And the truth that’s in the message
Making my way, away, away

‘Cause I’m still breathing
‘Cause I’m still breathing on my own
My head’s above the rain and roses
Making my way, away, away…

  One thought on “I’m Still Breathing…

  1. December 28, 2016 at 9:30 am

    What a crap doctor. Still breathing! It takes so much strength to keep breathing and walking through this like you are. I hope you’re able to quickly get the thyroid meds you need from someone else!

    Like

    • December 28, 2016 at 9:48 am

      Thanks, me too! And frustrated after reading that high levels of stress raise cortisol which affect thyroid levels – nice touch!!! (’cause you know it’s been stress free in these parts…)

      Like

  2. December 29, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    FFS. It never rains but pours. What is wrong with these people? Don’t they understand the shit we all go through? Hope you get the meds. Like the song choice btw. Also, awesome lining – hope it replicates that when you do the cycle.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. December 30, 2016 at 11:02 am

    That’s awful, how could your ND treat you like that? It just seems so uncaring especially when she knows everything you’ve been through! Sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything.

    Like

    • December 30, 2016 at 1:36 pm

      No kidding, right? thanks for the support, it’s been a shit end to the year!

      Like

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