Forging Ahead

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me at 15, circa 1989

For many years I’ve had this black journal which has served as a vision board. A couple years ago at a yoga retreat, I actually created an old-fashioned one on poster board, but this book has been an evolving one, with words and pictures cut out over many years that  Since high school I’ve been creating them in different ways, including (as you can see from the above picture) collaging my walls from floor to ceiling in my bedroom growing up with the images of things that were important to me, words that inspired me, music that was part of me, and photographs that set my imagination on fire.

And while I just added more to the black book, I haven’t stopped for a while to actually read through it and contemplate the contents.

“If you let your spirit out, where would it go?” one page asked.

Whoa..did I ever need to read that this week. What do I want my life to look like outside of this infertility madness? What is keeping me from that?

These days I’m just plugging away at work, at the kitchen, at staying above water, and I’ve pushed all those dreams to the back corner of the room, hidden under the chaos of today as we await Wednesday’s consult with the new RE, as we await to hear who our next President will be, as I think about so much that this week means.

I’ll be writing more in the days to come about these dreams that need to be chased. But of course, I’ve got to see how Wednesday goes.

Sigh…

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Learned a few things this past month…

  • Did you know that the reason that Hillary and Bill Clinton only had Chelsea is because she was diagnosed with endometriosis? I was watching Chelsea Handler’s interview with Chelsea Clinton, who had mentioned that her parents had struggled just to have her, and so did a bit more homework and learned about our future President’s battle with infertility. #VoteHillary
  • Learned from a blogger about ERA – Endometrial Receptivity Array – and how it can be huge for those with repeat IVF/DEIVF fails, looking at uterine receptivity and how the timing of a transfer can be key for implantation. Because while embryo quality is the #1 reason for fail, uterine issues are #2 and that’s absolutely worth talking about. Just contemplating that the TIMING of a cycle can affect success, well it’s thrown me into a mini mental tailspin thinking about how my RE basically just fit it in during his batch cycles and that was that. No thought to my uterus and how ready or how well-lined it was, as long as it hit the minimum. Y’all, going forward, Anything to set me up for success is a good thing if we go for a 6th attempt. Big inhale, big exhale.
  • A blogger and I were talking about comparing stories in an “it could be worse” mindset, and of course we know that it doesn’t actually help, but still I have an it could be worse scenario to share: while it doesn’t relate to infertility, you could run in to this spider in Australia, and that would traumatize you for life (at least it would for me). As my husband said, “it’s the kind of spider that if you threw your shoe at it, it’d throw it back at you.”

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So there ya go, my words for the day.I’m going to try to let go of some more angst, try to enjoy the mild autumn week we’ve got, try to breathe in and out and celebrate the small victories. It’s worth a shot…

Oh and a bit of advice for my infertile sistas: Never take on a fucking kitchen DIY project between cycles. Take a break from all the stress, don’t replace it with one involving carpentry

  One thought on “Forging Ahead

  1. November 7, 2016 at 2:04 pm

    Your husband’s response to the spider made my day! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. November 8, 2016 at 4:19 pm

    Hey, after my first failed attempt my doc scheduled me for ERA, I posted about it in Oct. Here the results take about 3-4 weeks to come in and I’ll find out mine tomorrow. I had a friend who was going to the same clinic and the doc did an ERA for her also after the first failed attempt. She was pregnant in the second attempt and has just had a baby. That sure boosted my hopes for my second attempt. If you haven’t done an ERA it’s a good idea to explore the option. Keeping my fingers crossed for u 😘

    Liked by 1 person

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