yeah so this week sucked ass to put it mildly.
along with my gratitude for the support i’ve received, i’ve also appreciated the immense pissed-offed-ness of several folks that has driven me from self-pity to a healthy fury at how i was (not) cared for during this past year and a half. here i was thinking my self-advocacy was enough but you know what? the more i think about it, the more i agree with another blogger who said this dude should have retired a long time ago. the more i think about it, the more i know that i deserve BETTER treatment.
why didn’t i think about the idea of moving my embryos elsewhere earlier? i have no clue. i always assumed because they were born in that lab that that’s where they needed to stay.
i’ve found myself an even bigger fan of my acupuncturist since going through round five together. not just having her as a witness to the process – but to the massive fails of the clinic, from again bypassing having me fill my bladder, to NOT using an ultrasound (i shit you not), to using B embryos when there were still two As left. and then this – she personally spoke to her favorite RE from another big clinic here in town and told him what i’d been through and he wants to help. now, mind you this is the clinic whose reception staff shit all over me last year during the first IUI, but since i don’t know any of their actual doctors i’m trying to let that go and do a consult with this new doc and see what he has to say. i’m also going to do a consult with another RE in town just to get her thoughts on what i’ve been through and what she’d recommend. (the big university clinic doctor i’d wanted to see can’t make time for a consult until mid-DECEMBER which is total crappy treatment in my opinion, so screw them, right? i just know i’d be a number to them, sigh…).
one thing however is this – does my RE use the same vitrification device and tube that they do? i don’t know. i called my clinic and the nurse had no idea and gave me a bunch of names and such of equipment that the embryologist shared with her and it didn’t seem to match but i don’t honestly know. what if they don’t? if they don’t, that means i would a) have to go back to current RE and his careless unprofessional way, with the possibility that these A’s may work (but without any work being done to see why the fuck 4 out of 5 have been BFNs and 1 miscarriage on top of that), or I’d have to start completely over, $15-20K which we don’t have excluding our credit card.
oh yeah and current doc got defensive when my husband talked to him – yet couldn’t explain why he used the B’s instead of the A’s. he even said, well why use any grading if you don’t believe they mean anything? and the doc said, because we’ve been doing it for 30 years and it’s standard practice. so husband said, but why not, even if you don’t believe it, use A’s to start out with? and doc really just said ‘well we can use them next time if you want’.
he also insisted that if i wasn’t going to come down for a blood draw (i don’t want to pay him to tell me i’m not pregnant when the HPT already said it) that i should stay on the meds 2 more days and continue to test and only give up if i have no positive on saturday. ahh, so even though not a hint of a faint line, i should still take hormones and feel like shit and postpone the inevitable.
well to be honest, i did it for a day and a half, up until noon today, friday. negative this morning, negative tonight. i didn’t taken my 4pm progesterone pessary because really? i’m not fucking pregnant. i just feel like shit.
so, i don’t know, y’all. we’ll see how the consults go, and i’m going to have my thyroid checked again next week to see where those are looking, and then figure out AFTER our holiday what the next move will be.
in the meantime? i’ll be channeling olivia pope like this on this rainy friday night: