Still, I Rise

dec14

I will, right? Eventually, I will.

yeah so this week sucked ass to put it mildly.

along with my gratitude for the support i’ve received, i’ve also appreciated the immense pissed-offed-ness of several folks that has driven me from self-pity to a healthy fury at how i was (not) cared for during this past year and a half. here i was thinking my self-advocacy was enough but you know what? the more i think about it, the more i agree with another blogger who said this dude should have retired a long time ago. the more i think about it, the more i know that i deserve BETTER treatment.

why didn’t i think about the idea of moving my embryos elsewhere earlier? i have no clue. i always assumed because they were born in that lab that that’s where they needed to stay.

i’ve found myself an even bigger fan of my acupuncturist since going through round five together. not just having her as a witness to the process – but to the massive fails of the clinic, from again bypassing having me fill my bladder, to NOT using an ultrasound (i shit you not), to using B embryos when there were still two As left. and then this – she personally spoke to her favorite RE from another big clinic here in town and told him what i’d been through and he wants to help. now, mind you this is the clinic whose reception staff shit all over me last year during the first IUI, but since i don’t know any of their actual doctors i’m trying to let that go and do a consult with this new doc and see what he has to say. i’m also going to do a consult with another RE in town just to get her thoughts on what i’ve been through and what she’d recommend. (the big university clinic doctor i’d wanted to see can’t make time for a consult until mid-DECEMBER which is total crappy treatment in my opinion, so screw them, right? i just know i’d be a number to them, sigh…).

one thing however is this – does my RE use the same vitrification device and tube that they do? i don’t know. i called my clinic and the nurse had no idea and gave me a bunch of names and such of equipment that the embryologist shared with her and it didn’t seem to match but i don’t honestly know. what if they don’t? if they don’t, that means i would a) have to go back to current RE and his careless unprofessional way, with the possibility that these A’s may work (but without any work being done to see why the fuck 4 out of 5 have been BFNs and 1 miscarriage on top of that), or I’d have to start completely over, $15-20K which we don’t have excluding our credit card.

oh yeah and current doc got defensive when my husband talked to him – yet couldn’t explain why he used the B’s instead of the A’s. he even said, well why use any grading if you don’t believe they mean anything? and the doc said, because we’ve been doing it for 30 years and it’s standard practice. so husband said, but why not, even if you don’t believe it, use A’s to start out with? and doc really just said ‘well we can use them next time if you want’.

he also insisted that if i wasn’t going to come down for a blood draw (i don’t want to pay him to tell me i’m not pregnant when the HPT already said it) that i should stay on the meds 2 more days and continue to test and only give up if i have no positive on saturday. ahh, so even though not a hint of a faint line, i should still take hormones and feel like shit and postpone the inevitable.

well to be honest, i did it for a day and a half, up until noon today, friday. negative this morning, negative tonight. i didn’t taken my 4pm progesterone pessary because really? i’m not fucking pregnant. i just feel like shit.

so, i don’t know, y’all. we’ll see how the consults go, and i’m going to have my thyroid checked again next week to see where those are looking, and then figure out AFTER our holiday what the next move will be.

in the meantime? i’ll be channeling olivia pope like this on this rainy friday night:

olivia-pope-wine

 

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  One thought on “Still, I Rise

  1. A
    October 14, 2016 at 6:43 pm

    I’m so sorry, that is beyond frustrating, to a level I cant even fathom. I hope you find a new doc that you can trust. ((Hugs))

    Liked by 1 person

  2. October 14, 2016 at 9:35 pm

    It’s actually strange they are asking you to to HPT. From what research I’ve done most people and clinics recommend not doing it and only doing the bHCG blood test. The levels of HCG in urine are half of what’s in your blood and most HPTs cannot detect low levels of HCG resulting in false negatives.

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    • October 14, 2016 at 11:40 pm

      Actually the FRER test is extremely reliable and for my case and many that I know, have always matched what the doctor has said. Clinics like to do the blood test to be positive, but ultimately a negative at 10dp5dt is indeed a negative, as HCG starts into the bloodstream at 7 days (hence why on IVF #4 I got a faint line at 7.5 days). Every woman who I’ve seen get a BFP on their HPT has seen the line on their First Response Early pregnancy test – the false negatives I’ve heard usually come from the cheap dollar store tests. Also, the doctor didn’t ask me to do the HPT, he just said if I don’t want to come in at 8dp5dt, that I could keep testing at home and after 10dp5dt, I could then end the hormones. Either way, I have known deep down since almost the beginning that this wasn’t going to work – never have I felt so few symptoms as I have this time.

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  3. October 14, 2016 at 10:11 pm

    If a doctor cannot answer a why with a reasonable answer then they should reconsider their career. “Because we always do it” is NOT a good enough reason!! Good luck in your search for a supportive RE.

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    • October 14, 2016 at 11:41 pm

      Agree – I’m looking forward to our consults in a couple of weeks and am just so grateful our acupuncturist has been such a wonderful advocate for us.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. October 15, 2016 at 7:39 am

    Ugh. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this and it seems like the current RE is not providing you with a lot of actual answers. Also, your paragraph on NOT wanting to come in for beta, on NOT wanting to continue your meds, yes yes yes to that. I HATE going for my blood draw when I know I’m not pregnant and yet no one believes me. It’s so depressing to sit in the room, wait to be called and poked, be charged money, wait for the phone call ALL the while knowing there is 0 hope. I really hate it.

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  5. October 17, 2016 at 12:15 pm

    Agree – you’ve given your current RE more than enough business!! I’m fed up with him and haven’t even met him!! Even if anything else, it will be good to try another RE with a different protocol that may work better for you. Make sure you get a copy of all your medical records from your current RE. It took me about a month to get mine through properly as they kept missing bits (like the results of blood tests etc) – you are legally entitled to get them. My husband had to request for his separately. Will be interesting whether it is possible to transport embryos…. I am assuming it is, since you hear about donor organs etc being transported …. may cost some though? I’d love to hear what you find out because we have one embryo left, and may be moving cities before we’re ready to try again.

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    • October 17, 2016 at 12:22 pm

      Ha, yeah the new clinic is getting whatever records there are. I laugh because my RE took shitty notes if any at all, and almost all of the blood tests (minus the pregnancy tests) I went through my own doc to have done because he never recommended any testing for the most part (so fortunately I already have copies of my labs). I also laugh because yesterday I sat down and made up a whole pretty report/timeline/list of all my lab results, treatment protocols, drugs/supplements/etc., and – this is the best of all – a chart showing my fucked up thyroid lab results over the years. It’s almost frame-able. 🙂

      Transferring frozen embryos themselves isn’t physically hard, but it depends on what kind of equipment each lab is using to freeze them as, yep, you guessed it, there can be different cryogenic machines to store them depending on the clinic (oy vey!). It’s literally a 5 minute drive so I could haul ’em myself to the clinic rather than pay for them, but I have to see if their machines are compatible (think Mac vs PC…not everything translates easily). Crossing fingers!

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      • October 17, 2016 at 12:26 pm

        Ooh good luck – fingers crossed they are compatible!!

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