Anniversary in the Wallowas – booked!
So tonight I was watching another episode of Chelsea, and Kevin Hart was talking about the question “What now?” that people often get after achieving something, and how important it is to always have an answer to that question, no matter what you’ve accomplished. I thought about that, and I realized you know what, even if those plans change, he’s right. To always be thinking of what your next move might be, never resting on your laurels, never allowing yourself to just subsist in the muck after a tragedy, but always – even if at a snail’s pace – continuing to move forward.
And it made me think about the things we have sacrificed, both necessary and unnecessary, during these past two years as we planned to start our family. I already mentioned how I didn’t cut my hair for 17 months and how I finally made the decision to do something nice for myself, to literally sever that negative energy and move forward, lighter and more free.
These past couple of weeks, we started talking about where we wanted to go for our anniversary in the spring, somewhere in the Northeastern corner, and our agreement was this: if we get pregnant, we’ll stay at this lovely condo right on the lake (pictured above). If we don’t get pregnant, we’ll just rent out a cheap cabin a longer walk from the lake instead – I mean, it’d be a babymoon if we were pregnant, so something extra special.
Seriously? We only deserve a nice place to stay if I have a baby in my belly? It being our wedding anniversary wasn’t enough to warrant a place on the lake? Is that how we view our life, as only worthy of nice things if it involves pregnancy?
It didn’t occur to me until now how ludicrous that sounds.
Our life CANNOT be dictated, CANNOT be put on hold, CANNOT be stifled because we are not yet a party of three.
So I booked the cabin on the lake with the pretty view and the jacuzzi tub and the fireplace and the deck we can sit on and look out and say to each other, you know what, through hell and high water, we have made it to this point and no matter what, our love we share is at the core of us. Period.
So a lot can go on in one’s mind in 24 hours thinking about all there is to think about. And here’s what it is – if we have to get a new donor, we will. We will find the money, we will take on the debt.
We will do what we have to do.
We will do something about this bullshit we endured at the last clinic. We will NOT let it defeat or define us. We will find someone who DOES care about making things better and we will NOT let the actions of one incompetent, greedy, apathetic fertility doctor determine our fate as a family.
We WILL bring life into my belly.
We will fight like hell for this family we have strived so hard to build. We deserve this family, we deserve this beautiful life we have worked so hard to create, we deserve a child of our very own.