Those Songs that Come Up…

I’m one of those people who almost always keeps her iPod on “random” and when it comes to preparing for IVF, the day before I’ll listen to music and take every song as a sign of things to come.

During Cycle Four I swear to god the song was Baby Love by The Supremes. It was kinda awesome, those weeks of being pregnant. I smile remembering those weeks. And I have let go of the pain of the miscarriage. Not forgotten, just released it. I wrote down that I wanted to release it on the card that she gave me after Reiki and she burned it.

I also made a second request to the universe. During the 24 hours preceding transfer day I got two communications, one from the biological and one from the heart when it comes to mothers. The biological sent me a text asking if we’d left for the beach yet and babbled on about herself. The heart send me a beautiful email wishing us the best for our transfer, telling us how proud she was of us, and that she loved us. One left me feeling like zero, the other made me feel capable and strong and not alone. I wrote down that I wanted to only surround myself with positive forces, that I knew who the real Mum was, the one who wants you and nurtures you even though you’ve never even hugged her once in your life. I asked to be released and permit myself to do what was best for ME…and my Reiki goddes, she burned that as well, giving me what I needed to rise from the ashes.

The day before Cycle Five’s transfer it was There’s Hope by India Arie that came up on the tunes and my lips turned up in an automatic smile. How can you not smile when you hear it? How can you not want to dance? The next day, we had breakfast on transfer day and I picked a table sitting right next to a mum and her chubby smiling baby girl trying to hold a big cookie in her hands. She grinned and I grinned back.

Every time I turn on the T.V. (There’s hope)
Somebody’s acting crazy (There’s hope)
If you let it, it’ll drive you crazy (There’s hope)
But I’m takin’ back my power today (There’s hope)
Gas prices – they just keep on rising (There’s hope)
The government – they keep on lying
But we gotta keep on surviving
Keep living our truth and do the best we can do

‘Cause there’s hope
It doesn’t cost a thing to smile
You don’t have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that, yeah, yeah
There’s hope
It doesn’t cost a thing to smile
You don’t have to pay to laugh
You better thank God for that
There’s hope

Stand up for your rights
Keep shining your light

It’s always been an uplifting set of verses, no matter what I ‘m going through, and to hear that I could still be hopeful after so many tries and sorrows, that there may just be a rainbow at the end? That felt good.

And I thought of my blog friends out there who are carving their own paths through the viciousness of infertility and failed IVF cycles, and in particular the one who I only started following recently, who writes about her little girl who didn’t make it into the world at the very last possible moment. I felt those ‘pain olympics’ pangs as one blogger called it, and thought I couldn’t possibly understand her loss, that mine was miniscule compared to hers, and yet here she is, preparing for her next cycle, and I am so proud of her and so empowered by her strength that she radiates. And shortly thereafter, padding around the house in this day after transfer, I had Pandora on the TV playing some mellow stuff and The Scientist came on by Coldplay as I was taking out my contacts, I looked at myself in the mirror as the lyrics came up and brought tears to my eyes. Tears for her, tears for all of us who have struggled through this, particularly with pregnancy loss.

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start

We are never able to predict this journey, but I must say, there isn’t a more wonderful group of women than the ones I’ve met through this blog who I’d rather go through this with. We are warriors. We are the beloved.

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  One thought on “Those Songs that Come Up…

  1. October 7, 2016 at 6:38 pm

    Coldplay is my absolute favorite.

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  2. October 7, 2016 at 11:41 pm

    I love the version of the Scientist that Willie Nelson did!

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  3. October 8, 2016 at 9:18 am

    I couldn’t agree more with your last paragraph. Connecting to others on a similar journey through their blogs have made this journey a little bit lighter for me. It is comforting to know I am not alone on this journey.

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  4. October 8, 2016 at 2:37 pm

    Definitely say no to the mothers– and forces– who tell you anything negative. So not worth it. Even though those voices always sound like they know what they are about they are always, always wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. girlwithagolddress
    October 8, 2016 at 2:53 pm

    I listened to Drakes “Shot for Me” every night when I did my injections last cycle- simply because I thought it was clever. Even though the cycle didn’t end in happiness, I still smile every time I hear that song. I’ll have to keep an ear out for musical signs from the universe. Sending positive thoughts your way!!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. October 20, 2016 at 10:58 am

    I don’t talk about my journey outside of here, so music has been my outlet to feel and process my emotions. It typically happens during a workout and my eyes fill with tears. Luckily it just looks like sweat. I need to write down the songs and make a playlist.

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