4 Days til Liftoff
Progesterone shots have begun and are we pros or what? When you are one of those rare five-cycle couples, you know what works and what doesn’t. Because they need to be around the same time every day, and my husband works retail hours that vary, we schedule it at 6am. Fucking 6am, which for a work-from-home woman like me and a man who often doesn’t have to work til 2pm, is not fun. But we got this down, yo. Alarm off, Dan is up and turns on my butt warming pad then goes to the kitchen to prepare the needle. I then am up by the time the pad is toasty, sit my upper buttcheek of choice on it and let it warm while I do a few breathing exercises that mellow me out (inhale to 5, hold to 5, exhale to 5, all through my nose, similar to ujjayi breath in yoga). I get up, walk into the kitchen, say either “left bottom” or “right bottom”, he repeats it in a funny voice, I get the bandaid ready, he picks the spot on my ass, wipes the spot with the alcohol prep pad, blows on it til it’s dry, I take a big inhale, he shoots me in the bum with the 1 1/2″ PIO needle while I exhale slowly out, he puts a little bandaid on it then rubs it in circles for 30 seconds, gives me a smooch and heads back to bed while I go back to the living room to sit on the heating pad for a couple minutes. By the time I’ve crawled back into bed he’s already snoring, and I’m not far behind. (That is unless he’s got to work early and then I am passed out asleep before he comes back in to say goodbye).
So yeah, that’s happening, but I gotta say, even with its messiness, I’m kinda psyched to be transitioning to the inserts after transfer day! We’re almost out of the delestrogen so by the time we’re in the 8 day wait, I’ll be on an all-pill regimen, wheeeee! Now mind you the progesterone ones are suppositories, but still, no 1 1/2″ needles past next week is just fine with me. I’ve paid my dues after 5 rounds of DEIVF, y’all.
In the meantime, I’ve also started off on the prednisolone and the new thyroid dose, which the former didn’t have any side effects I could spot during cycle 4. It’s not the best tasting stuff but considering I take about 11 pills every morning (2 prenatal, 2 fish oil, 1 folate, 1 thyroid, 1 vitamin D, 2 cal/mag/D, 1 baby aspirin, 1 prednisolone) and 3 in the evening (2 more cal/mag/D and 1 more prednisolone), it’s a piece of cake. I never have been a whiner about taking pills/supplements to be honest – I grew up with a mom who had us taking that many vitamins every morning (god those trips to those old school vitamin & health food stores, I still remember that nasty stank to this day…), so it’s not a big deal. As far as the thyroid, a little heart-skippy later in the morning as my body got used to the new dose, but that’s all hunky dory as well. It’s for the greater good of my uterus and stuff, so again, no biggie.
Marking the Passage
Tuesday will mark 2 months since we lost our baby, and will be the day before we try again with 2 more embryos. Part of me is convinced it will work this time as we’ve been tackling the thyroid and related immunology so intensely over these past weeks. Part of me doesn’t want to think about it at all. One day at a time, I remind myself.
I brought up a small stack of baby clothes that I had in the basement, which were things that I wore myself as a bebe way back in the Age of Aquarius (1974 to be exact). Two tiny pairs of white maryjanes, a few girly-girl dresses, and a teeny weeny pale blue t-shirt. Me, forty two and a half years ago. How is it that Dan and I got married at 40 and as 43 is just a few months away, we are still just the two of us (and our pup)…?
Seems like I tell myself this every cycle – I will end the journey if it doesn’t work. Then I see a little girl tottering down the road looking up at her mama, or a little boy with his fat baby cheeks grinning at me, and I melt.
No more predicting, just allowing myself to feel whatever, whenever. I don’t want to think about where I could have been had the miscarriage not occurred. It is over and done. Hell if I’d gotten knocked up in high school I could not only be a mum but a grandma right now, so that’s what I mean. Is what it is. But I gotta say, every morning when I am getting dressed, I’m reminded of the fact that we don’t have a child. Our bedroom side of the house faces the neighbor’s driveway, and so when their little girl is talking to her daddy as he gets her ready to go to preschool, I hear time passing, clocks ticking, wondering…
Today is what matters.
But it is what it is on this day. It happened, and we are in a good place in our marriage. We made African peanut chicken stew and yellow rice this week, then splurging on some locally made Tillamook chocolate brownie ice cream while watching Grey’s Anatomy. I got an extra bought him a smoker for his beehive and a Pendleton flannel jacket, and we have continued to slowly work on our DIY kitchen renovation. The clouds and rain are taking turns with bright spots of sun as the breezes get stronger with autumn’s arrival. Our garden continues to grow and we urge it to finish its ripening of the peppers, tomatoes, and potatoes that continue to grow. Ruby continues to sleep, follow me around the house, and lick up anything remotely edible that is on the floor. Our life is fairly quiet, with few social events and just a focus on nurturing our hearts. We stopped by my mother’s house to pick up a vise she wanted to give Dan, and being the first time she’s seen me since my miscarriage? Not even an acknowledgment. Fuck that shit. I’m over it. Gotta focus on the sunshine that peeks through the clouds, y’all. Gotta make room for the good stuff.