Allowing for evolution

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Absolutely changed. Absolutely me, just evolving.

Yesterday was the first day without tears, but I also didn’t leave the house. Heh. Oy vey. Today I left the house to have my first appointment with a new naturopath who has a strong focus on fertility, and it was both enlightening and exhausting going through everything. Fortunately I’d emailed her in advance with my timeline, records, and basics, but still we dug deep and I left worn out.

Did I mention new naturopath is 20 weeks pregnant?

Fortunately, she mentioned it to me with great sensitivity at the very beginning when I made my appointment and emailed her my story, which I appreciated, and it gave me time to process and prepare. Fortunately as well? She’s barely showing. If she’d have been huge-bellied, I’d have walked out the door.

Anyhoo. It was what I needed holistically to finally feel like ALL of me was being reviewed, not just parts of me. Not just the medical perspective of my uterus. Not just needles for blood flow and the like. But all all ALL of me. Yay for that.

A few things we’re checking out and addressing going forward in preparation for round 5:

  • Testing for the MTHFR gene mutation which can affect both fertility itself as well as increase miscarriage rates.
  • Taking me off the Rainbow Lite prenatals which has folic acid and switching me over to Pure Encapsulations which has methylated folate. Did you know there was a difference between folic acid and folate? I didn’t until today (great article HERE)! Folic acid is synthetic and not produced in the body, and can actually be harmful for those with the MTHFR gene mutation (up to half of women). Folate, on the other hand, is fantastic and much better for all women trying to get and stay pregnant.
  • Testing my thyroid antibodies and going beyond doing the standard thyroid blood tests for my hypothyroidism. Turns out having these antibodies can TRIPLE the rate of miscarriage, and these antibodies are NOT just found in those with Hashimoto’s Disease – they actually can pop up when one gets pregnant. Who knew.
  • She has encouraged me to take black cohosh to help with my endometrial lining. While it’s always gotten into the acceptable range of thickness, it’s been shown to improve both thickness and quality of the lining. That being said, some doctors say to absolutely not take any herbs during the cycle, so I’m going to do some more research before potentially starting that. Anyone out there try black cohosh during your IVF cycle? Would love to hear your thoughts…

I’m still assessing whether she’s going to be the right primary care doctor for me as these days I tend to ask a lot more questions and think a lot harder when I tell my story to providers and hear what they have to say. I also look at how much they are listening, how they are reacting, how we mesh, how trusting I feel at the end. She was different than the more bold personalities I’ve been used to, but that might not be a bad thing. I’m not sure if she’s comfortable with all of my questioning, as I’ve learned after this many infertility treatments that if I don’t ask, I’ll never know, and blind faith gets you absolutely fucking nowhere. So, we’ll see.

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Along with that appointment, yesterday my husband and I also went to visit our therapist for the first time since the miscarriage. It was basically a huge download of the past month and a half or so from both of us, from the miscarriage experience itself to the concept of trying again for a 5th cycle (which we didn’t think we’d want to do originally), to experiences with the narcissistic members of both sides of our family that coincided within a week of each other and caused both of us to really remind ourselves that family doesn’t have a damn thing to do with DNA. We’ll be going again in a couple of weeks as we prepare for the next embryo transfer, with one on one sessions for each of us to dig a bit deeper and work on the wounds that have come from this chapter in our lives.

While therapy is always stressful, what was beautiful was that she noticed how strong and close we were as a couple. This experience has brought my husband even closer than we already were, and we have grown in our marriage in so many wonderful ways.

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Last night, in thinking about what another blogger or two have said recently, I dared him to think of what our life might be like without children. Not what our life would NOT be like, but what we COULD do, to try to think of it – if at all humanly possible, and let me tell you that was crazy tough – in a non-negative way. Not positive yet, but non-negative. It’s a start. We all know that we grow up with big ideas for our life, and then we all learn as well that making those big plans is the sure way of watching your life go in a completely different direction that you never could have anticipated. You think you get married for life then you realize you deserve more than an immature, self-absorbed alcoholic. You think you’re going to graduate from college in 4 years then you realize you just have GOT to explore new geographies. You think you’re going to grow up and be a high school English teacher and you realize the last thing you want is to be stuck in a classroom with a bunch of hormonal teenagers (bless their hearts, hahaha). You think you’re going to remarry that awesome someone and be able to get pregnant right away like your other friends in their late 30’s and early 40’s did, and then you find out your eggs are kaput. You think you’re going to do a round or two of IVF and your biggest worry is that you’ll have twins, not realizing that you will see three BFNs and a miscarriage.

You just never know. So why not be open to everything, no matter what your big dreams are? They may come through for you in a completely different way. You just never know.

So that’s where I am today.

And this poem below, one of the best ever written? This is for all of us. Phenomenal woman? That’s me. That’s you.

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  One thought on “Allowing for evolution

  1. August 26, 2016 at 12:06 pm

    I have been thinking about you often, and this post is so nice to see! I sometimes wonder why more doctors don’t test for things like MTHFR earlier on, since there are a bunch of people with that gene mutation and it interferes with so much.

    Sending you best wishes. It sounds like you are on a positive path.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. myrainbowdream
    August 27, 2016 at 8:22 am

    I have not heard of black cohosh in relation to lining and I have struggled with mine the last two IVF cycles so might do some research. I dare not mention any natural remedies to my consultant, they never seem too open to the idea. My first miscarriage the baby had died a few weeks before and was still in place so I figure from that I did not have issues with lining as it took so long for the baby etc to pass (natural pregnancy), do you think this was similar for you? I guess it is something to discus with you Dr, could the mc be anything to do with the lining. I had a lot of tests re miscarriages and you are wise to have any you can. I feel reassured that I have checked everything I can. You would think it is impossible to find a positive in this horror of this experience but the way it makes your relationship stronger and the bond you have tighter is precious. I know we found this like you and your husband, I never thought it was possible to love my husband more. You are doing great you know, your strength shines through in our post. It is early days and ups and downs. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    • August 27, 2016 at 8:28 am

      Yeah I talked to another provider yesterday and she said absolutely do not use black cohosh because it is an estrogenic herb, and could mess with my fertility doctors prescription of estradiol. We are retesting my thyroid however to get it into pregnancy range which is 2.5, something I never knew earlier in the process needed to happen as the standard range is larger and I was always even with medication above the range. I’m putting together a post about thyroid and miscarriage as I’m learning those with hypothyroidism that’s not completely treated can have higher rates of miscarriage. Crazy to be learning this on my own on the 5th cycle.

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      • myrainbowdream
        August 29, 2016 at 7:25 am

        Oh good you got that confirmed about the black cohosh. Interesting about the hyperthyroidism, I will look out for your post. Did you say you were also being tested for thyroid antibodies? I had this test as part of a trial the hospital was doing after my first miscarriage, my results came back fine but they said if they had not they were trialing regular thyroid meds as a preventative. I have had my thyroid tested several time as I have presented symptoms but I am told all is normal. I was told that for some of the miscarriage tests I was having the preventative measures would be blood thinner, steroids which he would be giving me regardless of results but I needed to know why this was happening! I never got a answer, but both miscarriages were with my own eggs so the presumption from that is my eggs were bad. Yeah it is crazy that we do not find things out to further down the path, especially them knowing about your thyroid.

        Liked by 1 person

        • August 29, 2016 at 7:29 am

          Yes antibodies are on the menu as well for test results. Important to clarify this is hypothyroidism not hyperthyroidism ( assuming that was a typo in your comment but still wanted to emphasize)…very different. Yes my doctor is letting me do prednisone again with this one and I’ve got baby aspirin on hand just in case which I might do no matter what. What’s been said for me as nobody has acting like they want to know why this is happening and just want to make the easy assumption that it must still be something chromosomal and not me. Ugh. I swear I should get a discount on treatment for all the diagnosis work I’ve been doing on my own hahaha

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        • myrainbowdream
          August 30, 2016 at 2:11 am

          Yes typo whoops. Yes I got exactly the same, nobody is interested in why it happened and I think they looked at my age and thought yeah chromosomal too (this was my eggs though not a young donor). In the UK they do not refer you for tests till you have had three miscarriages in a row, so if you were to have a live baby in between they would not test. Of course you could pay private, but not everyone can! After my first I had a follow up appointment and was basically told to go away and do what I did before to get pregnant and miscarriage is common blah blah. After the second, no way was I going to wait for a third and contacted the miscarriage association for guidance. I went armed with leaflets and their recommendations and they referred me on grounds of my age and difficulties getting pregnant. Why should we have to do the ground work and fight especially given what we have been through!? Rant over lol. Where you doing Claxine injections or aspirin? I am not sure if it matters which both being blood thinners, I can not take aspirin so never questioned it. My baby was tested the first time I miscarried you know and nothing came up and in all of my reading on the subject I read that tiny blood clots in the placenta can cause early miscarriage. Saying that nothing significant came up in my tests in regards to blood clotting. Yes you are surely an expert in all things fertility now!

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        • August 30, 2016 at 7:19 am

          Wow… yeah no way in hell would I be able to go through 3 miscarriages silently. Good for you for speaking up.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. August 27, 2016 at 8:51 am

    Hey – I disappeared from the blogsphere for a week or so in a new baby stupor but wanted to check to see how you are doing. Glad you are finding your way out of the fog and are planning ‘what next’. Sending you a hug (no prayers! 😀) from across the pond x

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  4. seekingmisadventure
    August 28, 2016 at 4:17 am

    Your honesty and candor has been incredible to be a part of. Thank you so much for sharing it.

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