Not a ton of updates to make besides that yesterday totalled about 12 hours of hell… by about 11 or midnight I was so wiped out that even though I was still visiting the facilities every 5 or 10 minutes I finally just took one last Vicodin, my husband put a towel on the bed, and I passed out. I woke up 3 or 4 times during the night to use the bathroom, and by about 5:30 in the morning my throat was so swollen and parched, that I had to sit up. I’ve had this happened a few times since beginning infertility treatments where it feels like I’ve got something in the back of your throat that I have to hack out (I know, ewww), and triggers your swallowing reflex but nothing comes out. In the past once I get up out of bed and get going for the day it goes away, but today only the weird long thing is gone but my throat is still sore and swollen. Obviously I’m also mentally and physically exhausted from losing all the blood and ending this latest chapter, and I finally allowed myself to cry this morning. I’m still bleeding of course, but the cramping is gone which is a huge relief, and I haven’t taken any Vicodin or Valium ( which honestly I didn’t want to unless things were really bad). If the throat thing gets any worse I will call my fertility doctor on his cell but I’m hoping I can wait until tomorrow.
Obviously because of my physical exhaustion doing any kind of activity is tiring… I took the dog for a walk around the block and basically went for a nap afterwards as I was so tired, and chugged another 8-10 ounces of water.

I don’t want to think about anything today. I’m glad the physical manifestation has occurred but know I have a lot of meditation ahead of me. My husband admitted he had a cry on his way to work, and I’ve encouraged him to open up to one of the dads or moms he works with because like me until I opened up to people I knew, there’s no way I could have known how much empathy was out there. He is holding me tight and I am holding him tight. This loss is not mine, it is ours.  

We will find our way through.


9 thoughts on “Post-Mortem

  1. no no no no no. this did not happen. i just saw this. my heart is aching for you and sending love through the universe. you will absolutely get through this but i am just so sorry.


  2. Hey hon. I’m so Sorry I’ve missed all this. I had to take some time out away from everything fertility related hence the silence. So so so sorry that you are going through this hell. I wish I could give you a hug in person. I highly recommend taking a bit of time out (giving up fertility diets and everything fertility related) as a way to help gain strength again. And meditation/yoga work wonders. Be kind to yourself…you are a warrior. XXX


  3. So true…this is both of your loss and you need each other to get through this more than ever. I was amazed at how many guy friends had experienced loss of a baby when I was so open about it, I had no idea they kept things to themselves until years later…that can’t have been easy. I think because we go through the physical pain and when that stops it helps us cope with our emotions in a different way that our partners can’t, so being open about things is ever so more important.

    Keep fighting hon, take it easy


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