Not a ton of updates to make besides that yesterday totalled about 12 hours of hell… by about 11 or midnight I was so wiped out that even though I was still visiting the facilities every 5 or 10 minutes I finally just took one last Vicodin, my husband put a towel on the bed, and I passed out. I woke up 3 or 4 times during the night to use the bathroom, and by about 5:30 in the morning my throat was so swollen and parched, that I had to sit up. I’ve had this happened a few times since beginning infertility treatments where it feels like I’ve got something in the back of your throat that I have to hack out (I know, ewww), and triggers your swallowing reflex but nothing comes out. In the past once I get up out of bed and get going for the day it goes away, but today only the weird long thing is gone but my throat is still sore and swollen. Obviously I’m also mentally and physically exhausted from losing all the blood and ending this latest chapter, and I finally allowed myself to cry this morning. I’m still bleeding of course, but the cramping is gone which is a huge relief, and I haven’t taken any Vicodin or Valium ( which honestly I didn’t want to unless things were really bad). If the throat thing gets any worse I will call my fertility doctor on his cell but I’m hoping I can wait until tomorrow.
Obviously because of my physical exhaustion doing any kind of activity is tiring… I took the dog for a walk around the block and basically went for a nap afterwards as I was so tired, and chugged another 8-10 ounces of water.
I don’t want to think about anything today. I’m glad the physical manifestation has occurred but know I have a lot of meditation ahead of me. My husband admitted he had a cry on his way to work, and I’ve encouraged him to open up to one of the dads or moms he works with because like me until I opened up to people I knew, there’s no way I could have known how much empathy was out there. He is holding me tight and I am holding him tight. This loss is not mine, it is ours.
We will find our way through.