Entry #79: Two Plus One

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Countdown to HPT

Well, tomorrow I’m going to start the ol’ Pee ‘n’ Plea game. If all is working out as we hope, today would be the completion of implantation within, and then HCG would kick off production to hopefully show up before the blood test on Friday.

As far as side effects go, up until today they were fairly nonexistent. I’ve been getting plenty of sleep (no late night, lights out by 11 at the very latest), keeping my feet warm (wearing socks to bed feels nuts as I hate anything on me when I sleep, but I’m being good), eating warm foods (so much so that when I accidentally put a bite of cool peach into my mouth last night before letting it go to room temp, it was a bit of a shock!), and focusing on the breath.

After tweaking my back, initially the Tylenol and heat made me feel pretty good, and so Sunday I went in for my monthly 90 minute massage with my regular LMT, and just 15-20 minutes on my tummy on the table, my lower back started getting sore. She’s awesome though and moved me to my side to do the rest (it doesn’t hurt to lay on my back as long as I have a bolster under my knees), which ironically is exactly how prenatal massage is done. πŸ™‚ We of course both mentioned how hopefully my next massage with her in July is a *real* prenatal massage…wouldn’t that be lovely?

This morning I woke up, jumped into the shower, and reaching down to shave my legs…yep, tweaked my back again. But this time, major tweak. As in, my husband had to dry my legs off and put my lotion on me and help me dress. FUCK. I literally can only hobble around today, and 2 Tylenol and heat and ice packs have done zilch. No way can I drive anywhere today, which means I am going to have to miss my final acupuncture appointment – something that, if I could get there, would be so so good for my back, but there’s no way I could get in and out of my car and then up the long staircase to her office. It had me in tears this morning, and then of course in my attempts to stay zen, crying because I was tense – talk about the intersection of emotional and physical!! I was able to get my breath back though, and am sitting here with the pillow under my knees with steely determination to remain Chill and Mellow.

Ah, and a bonus this morning was with my PIO shot, as it seems about once in each IVF cycle it happens where my husband goes to do the shot and the needle hits scar tissue or something from all the previous ouchies, and a bloodcurdling sound emits from me without warning. Ironically, the needle doesn’t actually pierce the skin he’s told me, it just hits something on the surface that is so not wanting a 1 1/2″ needle near, so he has to prepare and shoot me in a different spot. That’s fun. And the added bonus that I start crying after he’s done because of the stress and because I feel terrible because he feels awful about it, poor thing.

Happy Fucking Monday, right? But seriously, trying to just stay relaxed mentally even if my back is having spasms. Ironically, I have extra Valium and Vicodin from the transfer (who knows why they gave me 10 each considering I just take one), so after consulting with Dr. Google, I found that a lot of women have taken it during the first week post-transfer to keep the uterus relaxed. So yeah, I just took one and will now try to chill today. Nothing like a sunny 88 degree day to stay inside eh? πŸ™‚

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I know, right?

And now that I’ve got an insulated icepack lodged down my pants and a Valium pill heading down the chute to hopefully take me to chill-adelphia today, I have that all too familiar feeling down in the lower regions that combines crampiness, nausea, and general WTF-ness. Is it the stress from the back injury? Is it activity of the embryo(s) locking into place? God let’s hope it’s the latter.

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Talking to Myself

This cycle has had me talking to myself a lot.

I’ve been talking to my uterus and my overall self about being ready, willing, and able to carry a baby inside me and become, finally, oh so finally, a mother. I’ve found a lot of useful self-affirming meditations, primarily:

  • I am a mother.
  • I am not broken.
  • I am good enough.
  • I am capable of carrying a child in my womb.

This morning, I found a great set of fertility meditation webinars which I’d highly encourage anyone going through this to check out. The one titled “Erasing the Negative Words” is particularly good, especially for those like me who’ve seen the IVF process fail already and where it’s not always easy to be good to yourself. The self-talk can be overwhelming.

So, for today, let’s all remind ourselves: we are all good enough. Fuck yeah we are!

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