Entry #74: Two Plus One

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No kidding, right?

I think that’s perhaps what I’ve been going through in this 4th round. I’ve not forgotten completely, but largely put aside the memory of trying to conceive a child with my own eggs. My assumption is that hey, they’ve left the building, nothing more I can do to make that a reality. And after three unsuccessful transfers with a donor egg embryo, which we all think is going to be a slam dunk, here we are, a week out from transferring not one but two embryos into me and crossing our fingers and toes.

So because of that, we are living each day acknowledging the past without dwelling on it, trying new things, and doing our best to focus on being mindful and stay in the present as much as possible. It ain’t easy, but it’s worth a try.

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Ultrasound Day

One year ago we kicked off treatment at this particular clinic. Yet I swear to god, today’s T-V ultrasound for Round 4 is the first time I can admit I’ve actually seen my uterus on the monitor. Heh. Dan sees it every time we have one but for the life of me I just have played along pretending to know what the hell is on the screen. šŸ™‚ My uterus is retroflexed which means it’s doing a bit of a backbend in there (which goes to normal they say if/when you get pregnant). Ahh, nice to know they weren’t all kidding me about seeing something there the prior million times. Talk about blind faith.

Anyhow, my lining is a bit over 7mm (the minimum it needs to be) with another week to continue to build up so he said it all looks good and we’re right on track for next Thursday’s transfer. I still get a bit anxious though as there’s nothing like Dr Google to get you comparing your lining with that of others. Hell, we’re talking about millimeters. But I’m just keepin’ on keepin’ on. I can’t drop the 40 lbs I gained over this past year of effed up stress levels, I can only focus on caring for my mental, physical and emotional as I stand here this moment. I have to forgive myself for the past emotional eating and concentrate on acceptance, nurturing, optimism and love. It’s all I’ve got.

Bright and early tomorrow morning my daily PIO booty shots begin along with 5 days of twice-daily prednisolone. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. In 15 days, we will know if it’s the end of the road, or just the beginning.

johndrawing

this is a birthday drawing my brother made in 1973 when my mother was pregnant with me…as you can see he was hoping for a little brother šŸ™‚

A Window Opens A Bit Further

So yesterday I saw my mom for the first time in 6 1/2 years. I was pretty chill all week and the morning of, my heart raced like I’d downed two double espressos.

She arrived and was so much smaller. Maybe that’s what happens with all of our parents, but she seemed smaller, frail, I don’t know. She’s 75 and has lost a lot of weight. This was a woman who had a booty back in the day, and now just ate one small pancake with some applesauce on it.Ā  I flit about in entertainer mode, showing her around the house and gardens, serving breakfast, and my husband showing her the beehive. It was two hours, a start, and at the end I walked her over to get some Reiki to help soothe her in her grief. We met her afterwards at the cafe for tea and she was mellow. My husband expressed his condolences and she teared up, saying she saw bits of her beloved in other people, including him. She was vulnerable. She said a brief ‘love you’ as she said goodbye. In an email later that day she said she was glad to see me so happy with my husband and thanked me for my help as I’d suggested the Reiki, encouraged her toward acupuncture, and sent her information on volunteering with the local schools. She said I was ‘a sweetheart’.

I’m intrigued at those words, this new vulnerability, this person wrapped in the package of my mother but in many ways quite different. I am watching, quietly, because these are words I’ve not heard, compliments I’ve never received. Nothing was said about how I looked, my weight, my hair, nothing on the outside that I was used to her focusing on for, well, forever. Gunshy, yes I am. But intrigued still. As I told my counselor last week, sometimes going through this process, we just need to feel mothered, and I have chosen to be brave and open to possibilities I once never thought, well, possible.

So who knows, maybe I’ll believe in the possibility of miracles. Maybe I’ll make her a grandmother, my husband a father, myself a mother. Maybe.

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  One thought on “Entry #74: Two Plus One

  1. mamajo23
    June 17, 2016 at 6:49 pm

    How beautiful. I am so glad you got such a great first step with your Mom. That drawing is adorable. Wish you so much luck with this upcoming transfer.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. June 18, 2016 at 12:31 am

    It sounds like a dose of you and Dan was exactly what your mum needed. Well done for making an effort – it must have been tough. And…I love that drawing. TRAVIS!

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 18, 2016 at 6:14 am

      Yeah Travis…and obviously I’d be wearing a 70s trucker hat if I was born a boy too, haha šŸ™‚

      Like

  3. June 18, 2016 at 2:21 am

    Ahhh I’m so pleased about your mother’s visit. It does sound like she has changed. And remember you have too. My mother has always been difficult (and a week with her recently was way too much) but now in her 70s she has mellowed out a lot. She sees me as the boss now and she is more like a child who wants to please. And STOP GOOGLING! I know it’s difficult (i.e. impossible) but it just makes living in the moment harder. I’m gonna be thinking of you of this two week wait and sending all the good luck vibes that I can. I think donor eggs are probably our next step (got an appointment at a new clinic to discuss) as well as starting to investigate adoption.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 18, 2016 at 6:20 am

      That is so true as a matter of fact I was just mentioning that to my husband that it seem like we are finally at that stage where I was the older one and she was the younger one… and yeah there’s no way I could spend a week with her no matter what , I don’t think as adults we’re meant to ! of course I think this vulnerability has a lot to do with the fact that her husband is gone and she can’t rely on him for anything as well…haha yeah you think at cycle number 4 I would stop going on Google right? I’m in that place where I wish I was busier at work to keep me from thinking about all this stuff but also grateful that I’m not with the transfer coming up next week…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. June 18, 2016 at 2:28 am

    Oh and I LOVE that quote…really feeling that right now….

    Liked by 1 person

  5. myrainbowdream
    June 18, 2016 at 1:00 pm

    I am thinking about you and wishing you so much luck on this next step of your journey (tried to add you as a viewer to my blog but did not seem to work with screen name? – I made to invite only). I get you with the whole comfort eating & weight gain, I lose a lot of weight with fertility treatment as motivation yet the stress and upset of it all makes me eat again. 7mm lining is great, should be super great by transfer time! Lining is my big worry this time, are you doing anything extra to help it? I am glad your meeting with your Mother appears to have been a positive one for you both. Take care, I will be looking out for your updates.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 18, 2016 at 1:09 pm

      Thanks!! Just my acupuncture to make sure everything is flowing as it should and focusing on eating “warming” foods a la TCM. My doc has always said I can be up and at ’em the day after my transfer but my (new) acupuncturist wants me on bedrest for 2 solid days afterwards, so I’m going to try and take her advice (but dread that so much!). Yeah with the weight thing I can’t WAIT to be off these hormones as they seem to push everything to the extreme, mentally and physically. When I took 2 months off from IVF my plantar fasciitis pretty much disappeared and I was back in the gym 3X a week. On the hormones I’m lucky to get out for a 30 minute walk with the dog each day. Oy. Thanks for the support!

      Liked by 1 person

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