Entry #56: Two Plus One

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How it all went down

This time I didn’t want to be around when the call came in. This morning I took a HPT before my blood test at the clinic, and it was negative. While I know these can be deceptive, and positives can come, I “knew” the day of the transfer that it wasn’t going to work. One always wonders if these types of things are real premonitions but I had this feeling after the catheter “incident” involving my full bladder that my body wasn’t going to take this one either.

So I cried in advance in my  husband’s arms. All of us who’ve been through it know the cry, the full-body shake and the wail of sorts. He’s my best friend and my protector, and I remember thinking, I don’t want him to have to go through this anymore.

Anyhow, I had my blood drawn at 7:15am. As usual, we didn’t hear til mid-afternoon…the longest 7 hours of our lives as you can imagine. So we packed in the morning as best as possible, meeting first with our new beekeeping mentor to learn more about our swarm trap, hive, and process to get everything started, then I’d gone across the street to the esthetician for a facial and left my phone with my husband to take the call.

When I got home the doc hadn’t called so I headed out to the grocery store and to drop off some donations, and when I came back around 2pm before I got out of the car I just sat there in the driveway, my heart palpitating. When I walked in he was talking in a low voice to the doctor, looked up at me and simply shook his head no.

While some want to be on the phone themselves to hear it, I really wanted my husband to know what that call is like, to know the sound of our RE’s voice when he starts out with “Well…” And he commented to me right away that being on the phone himself, talking to the doctor himself, asking questions himself, gave him added empathy for what I’d already gone through.

Outside, it continued to rain.

What Next?

So with this shit news, and that numbness that comes along with it, my husband also talked to the doc about immunology tests, which I’d read about on other blogs and forums and several had asked about. Fortunately, he was not against the idea (as he doesn’t volunteer it, we have had to learn about these things on our own, grr…), he recommended  the Anti-Nuclear Antibodies (ANA) and the Natural Killer (NK) Cells tests. He was supportive of the first but has strong doubts about the second, however understanding that we want to at least get an idea of what the hell’s going on in my body, I’m going in there tomorrow to get my blood drawn to check that out.

We don’t know what this will bring us, but as anyone with multiple fails will attest to, it’d sure be nice to find something. From what I understand, there are a few ways of treating these conditions should they find elevated levels of this stuff in my blood. One common way is through Prednisone and/or Clexane, which I’ve seen on the forums but didn’t realize it’s actually part of the standard protocol at many clinics (and have heard has helped a lot of women who previously had multiple negatives and/or miscarriages). Fortunately if this is the case at least those are covered by insurance since they’re primarily prescribed for non-infertility issues.

As usual, with this it means that I am off the nauseating Estradiol pills and my ass can heal as it’s got a few significant lumps from the PIO injections. Plus, now I get to wait for my fucking period to begin in a few days. Oh joy.

Thank god tonight’s Scandal and since we have a BFN? That means red wine. Over and out.

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  One thought on “Entry #56: Two Plus One

  1. margo
    April 14, 2016 at 4:23 pm

    Shit, that sounds like……. “just let the Jeep do a few rallies and if it doesn’t win we can hook up the motor to the diagnostic computer and see if there is a problem in the engine”

    Fingers crossed you get some answers and can go on from there.

    There are no words to help with how you are feeling, just take good care of yourself and stay strong when you can.

    Like

  2. msladyface
    April 14, 2016 at 5:01 pm

    I’m so sorry. It’s super frustrating that you have to do your own research in order to find this stuff out, but I’m not at all surprised, sadly. It seems to be par for the course.

    Like

  3. mamajo23
    April 14, 2016 at 5:07 pm

    Gosh darn it. You have suffered so much- life is unfair. Hope you and your husband hold each other tight tonight. I glad you are getting testing done and hope it gives you some answers. Hugs.

    Like

  4. Ash
    April 14, 2016 at 5:34 pm

    I don’t blame you, it is such a hard phone call to take. I’m thinking of you and your partner. This really sucks.

    Like

  5. April 14, 2016 at 5:58 pm

    So so sorry. Enjoy that wine. Hugs

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  6. April 14, 2016 at 11:34 pm

    I am really sorry for you, negatives are just so gutting. Sending hugs xx

    Like

  7. April 15, 2016 at 1:28 am

    I was told after my sons died in times of grief when words have no meaning and empathy is tainted with patronising sympathy because everyone’s journey is their own and no one really knows the hardships endured. But from my experience a few kind words are enough ….Sometimes just to say “I’m sorry to read this and your in my thoughts” is enough! ….so from me to you, I’m sorry to read this and your in my thoughts! XOXOX

    Liked by 1 person

  8. myrainbowdream
    April 15, 2016 at 1:52 am

    So sorry. I had all the testing done following second miscarriage and I would say go for it, mine did not bring up anything but has took away some of the what ifs. My clinic is going to go with Prednisone and Clexane for my next cycle too, I think Clexane is their standard protocol. My first clinic gave me prednisone. Did you have the pipelle uterine scratch? There are many reports as to the benefits of having this done, I had this done last time (though the embryos did not make it to transfer) and I will have it again for my next. Sending hugs and strength.

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    • April 15, 2016 at 6:13 pm

      First – thank you so much. If we do a 4th and final, it will be with all guns blazing that’s for sure. Just writing about the e-scratch now for my next post, actually…I’m definitely requesting it, left them a voicemail already! So how bad did it hurt and did you take anything for the pain beforehand?

      Like

      • myrainbowdream
        April 16, 2016 at 3:16 am

        I just read two articles from the past couple of months in UK papers and I think it is worth the pain. I thought it hurt a lot! It was over quick, put more painful than I anticipated. I will say I had a back problem at the time which added to the discomfort. I did not take painkillers though and next time I will take them before the procedure. Maybe if I had took pain meds before it would not have been so bad. The discomfort after is like mild period pain, not too bad. I think the more I read the more I think it is worth the pain, if it increases the chances of success we have to try it. I will be interested to see how you find it….maybe I am soft ha. You have been through a lot and yes all guns blazing for your last approach you will know you tried everything you could. Are you using frozen embryos? We are currently waiting a new donor match after the disaster with our last.

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        • April 16, 2016 at 8:51 am

          Yeah I know with our IUI when he had to manually dilate my cervix (I have a tiny one) I had no meds and it was awful and in my IVFs afterwards I had a valium and vicodin and it felt more like a pap (intrusive but not painful). Seems to sound like when folks get their HSG – depends on who does it as my HSG was totally painless and others say it was terrible. Crossing fingers but either way yeah i want to do it as well.

          Our donor made 21 eggs, all fertilized, and 13 made it to blastocyst stage, with half being AAs and the rest Bs. We did our fresh cycle first aligned with the donor and our second two with the frozen ones, but didn’t know about PGD until we asked during our frozen cycle so by then it was too late for genetic testing (I guess it’s like freezing, thawing, and refreezing food -not a good idea). Oy! Will report back. Fingers crossed for a donor for you!!

          Liked by 1 person

        • myrainbowdream
          April 16, 2016 at 11:57 am

          They said it was a pap but ‘a bit’ worse, I thought it my be like IVF transfer but not really. The actual scratching was the most painful bit but yes the positioning of speculum is never good is it! It is not prolonged which I think is the main thing. We have never really been told about PGD. 13 eggs to blasto is great! Our last cycle was egg share and she only got 8, so we got four and only two mature. They both fertilized but neither made it to blast, total disaster. She was young and numbers good, she did not have success either so they think issues are with egg quality and her amh did not reflect the numbers she produced. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you too! It is good to read about someone on the DE journey.

          Liked by 1 person

  9. April 15, 2016 at 2:44 am

    Hugs hugs and more hugs mate. I feel your pain and wish there was something more to say to make it hurt less. Thinking of you 🌺🌟 xxx

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  10. April 15, 2016 at 3:58 am

    So so sorry to read this – thoughts are with you xx

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  11. April 15, 2016 at 8:14 am

    So sorry. Not much else I can say despite– we’re all here for you and know how much it sucks. Enjoy your wine & husband & Scandal ❤

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  12. April 15, 2016 at 9:18 am

    Hey I’m sorry again about your news….it sucks. I think the immunology tests are a very good idea. I just posted that I have just found out that I have high anti-nuclear antibodies and I assume will be taking some drugs for that. It is good news to find answers and gives me some hope for the future (even if today I am feeling a bit sorry for myself for drawing all the short straws in the fertility lottery). Sending hugs to you. And enjoy that wine…you so so so deserve it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 15, 2016 at 11:40 am

      Thanks for the note! My understanding is that Prednisone oral and Clexane subQ are the primary ways those are treated but I’m reading SO much about all this. Thanks so much for the support, sorry we are both dealing with this 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  13. April 15, 2016 at 12:13 pm

    Sorry this attempt didn’t work. Sending hugs x

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  14. April 15, 2016 at 12:46 pm

    I’m so sorry to read this. It really is heart breaking to go thru all this and still get a negative result. I hope you get some answers soon xx

    Like

  15. April 15, 2016 at 9:52 pm

    Sorry, you may have written about it earlier but I forget – have the embryos been tested? My doctor recommended an embryoscopy to pick only the best ones for transfer. Mostly she said implants fail not because something is wrong with you, but because the embryo was not good enough and natural selection eliminates it.

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    • April 16, 2016 at 12:04 am

      Unfortunately no – he didn’t let me know this could be done and going in there as a rookie I had no idea it existed. Turns out he could have done it when the embryos were fresh, but I didn’t learn about it (and therefore ask about it) til after the frozen cycle had begun and boy was I ticked off! With as many blastocysts (13) as we got, it’s an irony having so many yet not knowing which one(s) might have just automatically been disqualified. That being said, I was just reading a study that talks about the problem with grading embryos and how some folks are just starting to use time-lapse imaging (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3510376/) to grade embryos which is way more accurate and less subjective about the probability of implantation. Amazing how much we have to figure things out on our own sometimes.

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      • April 16, 2016 at 2:01 am

        I know. I changed my doctor after the first attempt because she wouldn’t give any information. When you are so invested in something it gets very frustrating to not knowing 😦

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        • April 16, 2016 at 8:53 am

          Our thing is the big one in town are total assholes (even terrible online reviews) and the other one, the teaching hospital, is a crapshoot for getting a good vs bad doc, plus their billing is a nightmare, so we went with the small boutique size clinic. Prices are better and they all know you by first name, but yeah we definitely have to advocate more for ourselves!

          Liked by 1 person

        • April 16, 2016 at 9:00 am

          Ya, my first clinic was all about making money.

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  16. AKL
    April 15, 2016 at 10:40 pm

    I’m so sorry for you and can relate to the sobbing and all the feelings. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way to feel or behave in these situations and so I think just let it all out however you want to (or even don’t let it out if you don’t want to). I know a couple of people with an issue with NK and they have done some funky treatments which has helped them a lot. My doctor gives me Clexane injections as standard (you start taking them the day after transfer) but no one has diagnosed me with NK or whatever. In any case, just take your time to heal from this as it can be easy to minimise around people who don’t understand. Sending love and hugs. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  17. April 16, 2016 at 4:20 am

    I’m sorry, loads of love xxx

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