Entry #53: Two Plus One

fuck-loss-4

I saw this the other day on Pinterest and thought it was so spot on. Whether we’ve gotten a plus sign and not made it to term, or never even seen that glimmer of hope via a positive test, we are all battling on the same field to trying to be mothers.

3dp5dt

Christ, I’m using infertility acronyms again.

It’s been 3 days since the transfer and I’ve been feeling a wave of hopelessness washing over me today when it comes to this uterus. I guess because I’ve never had a positive result and I don’t feel any “twinges” or “fluttering” and don’t have any spotting that I’m really just a pharmacy on two legs with a sore ass and a bad attitude.

Last night there was another drive by at the end of our block. I heard the pop – pop – poppoppoppoppop and looked up but thought there’s just no way, not again, it must be the unseasonably warm weather getting people out doing fireworks on a Friday night. Then I saw the lights of the patrol car two houses down, and our entire street was shut down for 6 or 7 blocks, so I grabbed the dog and we walked down to my neighbor’s house. We’ve had 50+ shootings this year already in Portland, and since last summer at least 10-12 in my neighborhood, and 3 now within a block of our house, so we’re used to congregating to check on each other after these things happen. We sat down on her front steps and she told me of how her husband who was coming home from a walk with the dog saw the two cars tearing down MLK onto Dekum and then saw the first two shots fired (the other shots were in the Triangle with one bullet hole lodged in the cannabis shop above the front door, across from 3 neighborhood pubs including the cafe we had our wedding dinner at). She told me how while the last two times her kiddos slept through it, this time they were wide awake and everyone hit the floor. This time she had to explain to the older one who’s more cognizant of the world at 6 years old about what happened and that no, the men in the cars were not trying to shoot him or their family, and that this is why playing with toy guns or using your hand as a gun is absolutely not and never will be okay.

Oh and did I mention it took my neighbor’s husband 3 tries to get through on 911? Yes because our stupid 911 – I shit you not – asks you to dial 1 or 2 when you get on the phone, and then – oh yes – get put ON HOLD. That is, if your call goes through at all. I’ve dealt with this myself multiple times. No one just picks up the line when you call 911. What do you do if you’re having a health emergency or are being attacked – do you really have time to deal with 911’s prompts? Fuckin’ city emergency services.

Anyhow, fortunately my husband hadn’t yet started his commute home after his night shift, as they finally removed the police tape about 15 minutes before he arrived in. Just hugged him extra tight when he got home, you know?

And yeah, you think if this family ever gets started, who knows, maybe the country life is not so remote of a possibility after all. Maybe you get to a point where enough is enough? But then you walk out into your yard and you see the flowers and the bees and the home you’ve created over the past 10 years, and the history you’ve seen, and how far the neighborhood has come since you were a kid….and it’s hard to imagine any other life.

But I digress…

Contingency Planning

So, what if this round doesn’t work?

Honestly, I don’t know.

If the adoption process was going at a nice clip, I wouldn’t even be thinking about it to be honest, but my faith in everything turning out alright is for shit these days. It’s like running in place, everything you want so close but so far away.

I do know my husband, patient and wonderful as he is and has been this whole time, has hinted at how tired he is of all of this…and I know much of it has to do with the changes he’s seen in my happiness level over the past year of IVF, IUI, etc. It’s not been totally all-consuming, but it’s gotten close at times. And while during the IUIs I was able to bike regularly, in the IVF cycles it’s been the luck of the draw to whether I feel capable of dragging my arse to the gym, onto my bike, for a long hike, whatever – medication side effects often throw up roadblocks, from the sheer physical exhaustion to the ultra-PMS-times-ten emotional breakdowns that challenge your heart in so many ways. During this time, my mental is purely focused on the basics – do my job, put food on the table, pay bills, get out of bed each morning, kiss and hug my husband, and walk the dog.

So for today, I’m not going to decide. And I don’t want anyone telling me what direction they think I should do, either. I just want to try to stay in today.

 

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  One thought on “Entry #53: Two Plus One

  1. April 9, 2016 at 8:28 pm

    Hugs!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. April 10, 2016 at 8:12 am

    I love the image…so true. And yes I know the feeling…my husband is getting sick of this after a year of IVF. We have one final embryo to transfer and if that fails we have discussed doing donor eggs. I was getting stressed about this being our last chance but got a huge amount of help from an infertility psychologist who told us to do just what you are doing…just take it one day at a time…sending hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 10, 2016 at 12:09 pm

      So true. I’ve got an appointment at the end of the month with our infertility counselor scheduled in already πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  3. AKL
    April 10, 2016 at 8:45 am

    No need to make any decisions yet, just one day at a time! I’m sending lots of positive vibes that this round will be a successful one for you (and also that people stop shooting each other!). There’s so much going on in your head and your hormones right now that getting through the basics is more than enough. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. April 10, 2016 at 2:50 pm

    Hugs and one day at a time for sure 🌺 gosh I can’t even imagine what that experience must feel like for you guys, so very scary 😦 . I am from a small town in Melbourne Australia. I would’ve given my hubby a very huge hug and squeeze after work that night too . Take care lovely xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 10, 2016 at 5:06 pm

      where are you in Melbourne? My husband is from St Kilda and mother-in-law is outside of Geelong πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      • April 10, 2016 at 10:51 pm

        Oh how cool! I’m in the Eastern suburbs of Melb in Mt Evelyn ☺️

        Liked by 1 person

        • April 11, 2016 at 8:28 am

          That’s awesome, I seem to be meeting &/or connecting with so many Melbourne folks lately. If you’re ever down in St Kilda please go to Monk Bodhi Dharma for me…love that place! πŸ™‚

          Like

  5. April 11, 2016 at 2:19 pm

    I love that picture/card! It is so real. And I completely relate– I’ve never had a glimmer of hope for a positive test either– and though I may not have had pregnancy loss in the traditional sense, my experience is still loss to me. Sending you well wishes for emotional well-being, and to kiss your husband and walk your dog πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    • April 11, 2016 at 2:28 pm

      Same here – the only positive I got was during my 2nd IUI last summer I had the HCG trigger shot and so because I wanted to know what a plus sign looked like, I tortured myself by taking a home pregnancy test because I knew that the hormones would give me a false positive. Silly huh πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

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