Entry #51: Two Plus One

It’s been an interesting weekend even though technically I’ve not done much. The exhaustion has gone from a vague shadow to this strange, heavy weight on my shoulders since beginning the progesterone shots…and it was almost instantaneous. I suppose I just put this memory behind me, as the nausea seemed to be overshadowing that during the first two IVF cycles. Last night was the first serious pain while sleeping, where turning over (I am not a still sleeper and roll over multiple times during the night) was hugely uncomfortable because of my bum being all bruised from the injections. My husband, now the IM injection pro, mentioned to me how much longer the PIO seems to take to go in compared to the Del, but all I know is that the soreness is no longer going away.

Not that I’m surprised, I just hope hope HOPE this is the last time we go through this song and dance and have a call on the 14th that is good instead of more shitty news.

I Am Because We Are

There’s a certain amount of helplessness one feels during the wait. The wait to see if our transfer works this time around. The wait on Ethiopia that could very well be another year before we get a referral (and to make me feel more frustrated, I found a blog with someone from our same agency who’s last post showed they were also waiting for a referral…but since 2014!), and as time goes on, I think that I am not doing enough.

There must be something I can do, something in my life that can make me feel more useful, not just sitting here doing my everyday work, living my everyday life. I need to do more. Too many are suffering.

Last night I watched 2008’s I Am Because We Are, the Malawi documentary produced by Madonna to highlight the orphan crisis in this second poorest country in the world, where she fell in love with and adopted two children, along with creating Raising Malawi, a nonprofit to provide educational scholarships, pediatric surgeons, vocational training, and more. I was so very impressed. Here’s the trailer:

What exactly am I going to do next? I’m not sure. But there are some things stirring around in my head that go beyond charitable contributions and once-a-week time in the schools. Something that might take a little while to get there but will be worth it. Because I don’t know when we’ll finally get our referral for Ethiopia, but I know kids still need us, no matter what.

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Again, Not Alone

It’s not like any of us want others to be suffering, but it is definitely interesting when you find out someone in your family is currently also battling with the ups and downs of trying to start a family.

I remember a person I used to be close to snapped at me when I alluded that we had something, sadly, in common (she’d suffered 6 miscarriages), saying, “I’m not infertile – I have no problem getting pregnant”. Which of course wasn’t my point – my point was about our both having been struggling to start a family. Here I was trying to reach out to, at the time, the only person I knew who could perhaps empathize with, and after 9 months of her flaking out (always at the last minute) at every single set of plans we had, I finally just gave up. She wasn’t the friend I thought she was. Ironically, the first thing I’d thought during this time last year was that perhaps my going through infertility treatment was bringing up too many memories for her, so I’d even offered her an out saying that I could avoid talking about it or we could take a break if it was too hard for her to see me during this time…but she insisted that wasn’t the case, her life was just too busy. Did I mention this was the person who was one of the witnesses at our wedding?

Anyhow, this past week I was noticing a pattern with a person in my family whose Pinterest board I was following, and while it didn’t explicitly say the problem, I know that for a lot of us, myself included, Pinterest is a window of sorts into the lives of many of us – what’s important, what we’re focusing on, what we love/hate/feel, etc. There were posts about getting through painful times and a few about having lost babies, and I just wondered if perhaps she’d had a miscarriage. We’re not close, as I’m probably 12 years older and we grew up in different states, but when we were younger we got along famously at family events and I still think of her and wish her well. So I sent her a message with my email address to check in on her, hoping she was okay but offering an ear if she needed it, and it turns out my instincts were right. She is at the one year anniversary of her miscarriage and going through many of the same fears the rest of us in the TTC community have had – wanting a family so badly, so scared about more bad news, and doing her utmost to try to prepare herself for the next step. I shared my story as well and I must say, it was a strange sort of comfort – as it is for anytime we meet someone who can empathize in some way, shape, or form with the obstacles we’ve faced.

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The Weight of the World…

I gotta say, one of the worst of the side effects is the weight gain. Sure, some of it is emotional eating, but the bloat? That’s pure hormones jacking up everything in my body, making my wedding ring tight and my skin literally feel heavy on my body. Everything is reacting, everything is sensitive, everything is stretchy that I put on. Jeans today…oh gawd. I think I’ve had three Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwiches this week. Good grief. So much for “warm” eating that the holistic folks recommend…

What to Watch…and Avoid

So I watched a few Youtube videos on infertility.  One was a father talking about how they tried 13 times, cracking jokes about sperm donation and suffering from his wife’s mega-hormones. But not one ounce of empathy for her. For god’s sake, they did this all within 2 years. Why the hell wouldn’t he talk about the hell she was put through? I watched one called ‘A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to IVF’ which I found deeply disturbing as she made a series of videos about their TTC but ended up getting pregnant naturally before going into their first IVF appointment, and did the whole bullshit cheerleader “never give up!” thing that so many end up doing after they get pregnant. Funny how most of the talks I found on TTC were all from folks who had succeeded at having a baby -none from anyone currently going through it or who had run out of money or had moved to adoption or foster care to become parents.

“Don’t use your happy ending as hope for anyone but you.” – a great quote from an incredible blog post I read today about Mumsplaining/Dadsplaining and how suddenly nearly everyone who’s popped a baby out is suddenly an expert. Now there are some awesome rare exceptions out there like the candidate I chatted with last week (who, as I mentioned to her how my discussion of adoption during IVF brought looks of horror from so many in our support group we’re no longer attending, said something to the effect of, “WTF it’s not like none of them have considered it, and hell why wouldn’t everyone consider it as it’s about becoming a parent first and foremost!”…and she then became my hero of the week) or the one pregnant blogger I still follow out in England (you know who you are!), but for the most part if I see another “God intended us…” or “You just gotta keep trying and you’ll get there!” smirks, I’ll blow a gasket.

And while this video below ends in a happy ending ultimately, she got much of this all SPOT on as far as the feelings, the efforts, the trials and tribs of IVF, so I thought I’d share it. And she has arms I’m a wee bit jealous of I gotta say, particularly on this flabby day I’m having with 48 hours til transfer and two grotesque cold sores that appeared on my lip this morning that make it literally hurt to move my mouth. Sex bomb, let me tell ya…

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