Entry #37b – Two Plus One

7469799558_f8ece58e5c_z

Initial Post-Mortem

So um yeah. What a fucked up day. I thought I’d come back after posting the news earlier today to just “word vomit” as my husband calls it. And it makes me feel better. I just want to minimize  human interaction for the next few days. We found out while at a new European-style food market that just opened. We were buying handmade ravioli, herb bread green olives, two beautiful cheeses, ginger beer, and a Vosges chocolate chestnut honey bar for dessert. It was our own little afternoon picnic we had planned.  I was at the register when the phone rang, and immediately handed Dan my card to pay with so I could rush to the window and face the music.

D-day.

When the doc asked me, “do you have a moment to talk?”, I knew it was over.

I melted in the car for exactly 30 seconds, crumbling in Dan’s arms when we got into the car outside the market. I then told him not to talk about it until we got home, as I knew neither of our reaction times would be great. All I thought over and over again were things like, why the fuck did the doc tell me it was going to work when I was in for the ultrasound? Why didn’t he stay vague like the first time? Why were all those new ‘symptoms’ I’d never felt the first go-round swooping through my body these past few days? And as my veins felt all the attempts to maintain emotionally neutral? They froze then shattered in one fell swoop.

Today I’ve cried exactly three brief times. But in those moments, I recovered much more quickly. My husband and I don’t get Paris this time around. We’ve got real life to deal with, head on, and after four infertility treatments now, my ability to rebound is fierce.

So we came home, my husband prepared the roast pork ravioli we’d bought and mixed in our homemade marinara, we watched a favorite mindless rom-com (13 Going on 30, if you must know), and snuggled on the sofa with the pup for the rest of the afternoon. We had Chinese delivered for dinner and I write this during commercial breaks of Gray’s Anatomy and Scandal. I have picked up my phone exactly zero times and returned exactly zero texts. Work is a bit easier as I can put on my Nordstrom smile as I type and be distracted by it. I’ve always been one of those “distraction through work” types but I know that it has to be in small increments to allow for the grief, to allow myself to walk through rather than sidestep the pain.

It will be okay. We will be okay.

coin-toss

Looking for the coin toss to go my way

So when your ovaries are depleted and you’re 42 like me and do donor egg IVF, you basically change your odds from ones similar to winning the lottery to more like flipping a coin. But for some of us, even after throwing it up into the air over and over, it still doesn’t work. No one can tell us why.

Again the fleeting thought of transferring two instead of one embryo, breathing deeply and remembering, this basically is a way to try and save stress and $2,000 – it doesn’t truly increase your odds. It just condenses the process, because you don’t know what you’re going to get each time. We could have transferred two the first time and we’d have had the same results, right? Ultimately, we have to do this the right way. I’m ready to do it again. I’m stronger after having done this a few times, and it hasn’t put our lives on hold. It’s created some ups and downs, and some spotted ass cheeks, but really, the FET process was the easiest of all of them. Get on the pill, get IM shots, get an ultrasound, get more IM shots, do the transfer, wait for results. Two months.

So yeah, I’m cool. Well, fuck, I feel like shit, but when it comes down to it, I’m cool. I know this game, I’ve played it. I’ve yet to win, but it’s teaching me a lot about who I am, and who we as a couple are.

Yesterday during my reading at the elementary school, when I found out my kiddo had moved away, I instead got to read to a little girl who my husband had read to the year before, and was recently adopted by her two mums after years of foster care. She remembered us and practically leaped into my arms, then grabbed my hand and led me to class where she insisted I have my arm around her while we read stories about ducklings and pigeons. Her laugh and her incredible sense of joy after her quiet and sad energy last year? It warmed me. It still does.

And that’s what keeps me going.

“There is more to life than increasing its speed.”
~Mohandas K. Gandhi

  One thought on “Entry #37b – Two Plus One

  1. myrainbowdream
    February 12, 2016 at 1:47 am

    So sorry. Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. February 12, 2016 at 9:40 am

    I’m so sorry to hear.

    Like

  3. February 12, 2016 at 10:52 am

    I love your coin toss analogy..that is exactly how I feel. Every aspect of this journey seems so random to me and that hopefully, just once, things will land in our favor. Sending hugs. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • February 12, 2016 at 1:35 pm

      Thank you. As a dear friend told me yesterday, if it’s meant to happen this way it will, but if it doesn’t that just means our family will look different than we anticipated which hey, it already is, right? We are still thrilled to be adopting a little girl from Ethiopia and if a baby doesn’t come out of my own belly, that just means we’ll get to adopt two kids instead of one ( if we want). so now I’m going to take the next month to drink wine and coffee and go to the gym! Wheeee! ( and of course get a much needed massage on Monday LOL!)

      Like

  4. February 12, 2016 at 11:55 am

    I hope you try another FET again with 2 embryos. Don’t give up.

    Like

    • February 12, 2016 at 12:02 pm

      We do not want twins nor a high risk pregnancy, and if we feel it’s time to give up, we won’t feel bad.

      Like

      • February 12, 2016 at 12:06 pm

        But isn’t it worth a try? Just a final try before you are ready to give up?

        Like

        • February 12, 2016 at 1:31 pm

          I’m not sure why you seem to be encouraging me to do something I’m not comfortable with. Too many women are getting pressure to implant more than one embryo to save time when one baby is always going to be less risk on the mother. I have no interest in having twins, nor does my husband. Everybody needs to be supported in making the decisions that are best for them and not be told that they shouldn’t give up, and that simply tells a person that there feelings are not valid and that they don’t have a right to do what’s best for them. We will make the decision that is best for us. Period.

          Like

  5. February 12, 2016 at 3:51 pm

    Enjoy that wine and cheese. You make a great point about adoption. You’re committed to being parents however it may work out, and that’s what really matters. The coin toss worked in my favour this time but frankly I had thoroughly given up on pregnancy and was totally ready for adoption. Whatever you decide to do stay focused on the fact that it will happen for you one way or another. Good outcome ahead!

    Liked by 1 person

    • February 12, 2016 at 4:38 pm

      Thank you so much. I also had a big beautiful cappuccino today, LOL… Yes we are still in the adoption process for Ethiopia which we are so excited about, we are just hoping something to also be happening internally. We’ll see. Either way though, we’re a family and our dog Ruby will be a great big sis 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. February 13, 2016 at 3:29 pm

    Loving your self care and your outlook in this post. Props to you. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  7. February 29, 2016 at 1:07 pm

    Just catching up as I’ve been off-line for a while and now reconnecting with the world. You ARE very cool. I adore your perspective on it all. Much love to you x

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: