Difficult Time in My Life
We’ve all had them. I’ve had my share. The things that happened growing up, my tempestuous first marriage, the death of my father, grandfather and grandmother all in 3 years’ time, the challenges my husband and I went through to be together, and now this new chapter of infertility that I hope will soon be over.
Now is a difficult time. 2015 will go down in the books as a very, very difficult year, with sadness breaking me into many different pieces as my body rejected our attempts to make a life.
But in the breaking I know I am being rebuilt – even when I feel like total shit and can’t get off the sofa. Like Walt Disney said, “You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.” So all I can do is trust that these new cracks in me, again, are letting the light in.
Because amongst all of this chaos and pain this year? Good things have happened.
- We took our dog Ruby to the beach for the first time. She lives and breathes JOY every single day. If that doesn’t make you smile, you have no heart.
- We kissed in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower, along the Seine, and in the gardens of Monet’s hometown.
- We remodeled our bathroom into a thing of beauty.
- We were approved to adopt a little girl in Ethiopia, and can’t wait to find out who she is, then meet her.
- We rode our bikes, worked in the garden, woke up every morning together and kissed each other goodnight every night.
- And yes, I got to see Madonna.
That doubt still creeps in. Every single day, I look at myself in the mirror and wonder if I am going to indeed be a mama. I wonder things that don’t make sense – those self-blaming things that creep in about who I am as a woman. I’ve opened my heart and watched certain people I thought had my back slowly retreat, or disappear altogether.
But I also know this: I’ve dealt with a lot of shit before, and I’ve come out of it all a better person. And I have the most incredible, loving, earnest partner a woman could ask for, who finds so many ways, big and small, to make me feel special, wanted, and unconditionally loved.
So I’m going to heal. I’ve no other choice. For myself, for us, for the family we have in each other and the family we are creating, however it may look a year, two years, five years from now.
“As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation — either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course.”
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.