Entry #24: Two Plus One


Preparing for Round Two

Well, yesterday the first step of our second attempt at donor egg IVF began. Namely, I am now back on the Pill. With my period still having not arrived almost 2 months after it was due (and last actually blessed me was this summer), I know I can no longer count on my body to do what it used to do consistently.

It’s not a ton of activity that will be going on in December, as the frozen embryo transfer won’t be until February, but it made me start thinking about something that I’d been trying so hard to shove to the back of my mind this past month and a half. I had to pull the bag out of the closet with the half-used injectables to find out from the clinic how much more we’ll need. And with that, it reminded me of the potential for another heartbreak.


It’s All About the Mindfulness

But here’s the thing. I can’t focus on what might or might not be. All I can do is breathe. Focus on each day and live it fully. Enjoy this holiday season in all its mellowness that we’ve promised ourselves. Welcome the new year and all the promise that comes with it, all the chances to start again, all the opportunities to do better, be better, live better.

We are on our way somewhere. Where that is will show itself eventually.

Ending the Media / Forum Blitz

So I, like many folks dealing with infertility, spent way too much time on the forums at one point in this process. Babycenter, FertileThoughts, you know the ones. And for me they just don’t provide the support that I need. I just don’t find it all that interesting to share day-by-day statistics, I still – as mentioned already – abhor the terms “sticky” and “baby dust” (even worse when they’re combined), do not like the references to “god” and “putting it in HIS” hands when getting pregnant has nothing to do with religion, and find a rather abject silence when I mention in my posts that we’re also in the adoption process while going through donor egg IVF.

With that, I decided to watch some movies about infertility and adoption. HA! Talk about a mixture. A few like the old Gene Wilder and Christine Lahti one from 1990 (I forget the name) and A Smile Like Yours with Greg Kinnear and Lauren Holly were pretty terrible, but these two I found really expressed the complexity of everything so well:

  • Mother and ChildThis was a really incredible film with Kerry Washington as a mother experiencing infertility looking at adoption, along with Annette Bening as a mother who’d given up her daughter for adoption and Naomi Watts as that daughter searching for her, also contemplating motherhood for the first time.
  • What to Expect When You’re ExpectingI love this movie. I have no clue why it only got 3 out of 5 stars. It addressed a variety of types of family-building scenarios, from accidental to the kinds that take years to happen. Elizabeth Banks is awesome as the wife having tried for years and that look she gives her father-in-law, played by Dennis Quaid, when he asks “so you guys have been trying a while now, like 2-3 months, right”? Classic. I also especially loved Jennifer Lopez in this, whose character and her partner went through everything including IVF, spending all their 401(k) and other savings, and landing at adoption. I so felt her pain when she cried about feeling a failure for not “doing the one thing a woman is supposed to be able to do” and their joint hilarity during the home study. But the most touching for me of course was the final scene where they get their baby in Ethiopia.
(image source)

Dealing With the Blues and Finding Inspiration

I have obviously been through some serious ups and downs through this and must say, I’ve found comfort in the words of some people who I never expected it to come from. Not because of who they are, but because I’ve opened up to people outside of my small inner circle and shared what we’ve been going through. New acquaintances, friendships, business relationships, where we get to know each others’ stories and are not afraid to expose our vulnerabilities during such critical moments. Today I talked to someone whose close friend it turns out went through several rounds of DEIVF before finding success – something that few in the donor egg world talk about (it’s usually the ‘regular’ IVFers we hear from, as donor egg IVF still remains fairly hush-hush). But the nice part? You always hear people say stuff about having kids like, “it changes everything/turns your life upside down/etc”. You rarely hear what she said, which is “I never realized having a kid would be so much FUN!”

So even with the challenges in building our very own tribe, even with life handing us some big-ass reproductive lemons, we know this: we’ve got an amazing journey ahead of us, no matter how this family of ours is built.

My optimism wears heavy boots and is loud. ~Henry Rollins





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