This week, my husband wanted to contribute something to the discussion, sharing his perspective on everything from settling down to marriage, babymaking, infertility and more. In a future post, he’ll talk about adoption. As my sweetheart no longer has his own blog (for those newer readers, that’s how we met, when he started following my blog way back in early 2011!), he contributes to my blog on occasion. And with infertility discussions primarily discussed by women, I thought this would be a really nice thing for other prospective fathers to see as well. So here’s a few words from Dan…
Would you ever marry?
Hell no! My freedom would be compromised! My gad about ways stifled and my individuality usurped! Never!
How about kids?
Really? Curtain climbers and me have never seen eye to eye. Let’s just say I’ve got enough problems without throwing a kid into the mix. Besides, they keep asking for stuff…
Yeah, I ticked both the above boxes up until a couple of years ago. A card carrying single and childless man I was. And staying that way I was going to thank you very much. Until shit got changed around a bit. A lot in fact. I met the woman of my dreams and for the first time in my life reconsidered the whole marriage caper. And the whole offspring question too.
The reconsideration of marriage led obviously to a turnaround and here I am just over a year in and I’m as happy as a clam. I always thought that at *mumble mumble* years of age I was well out to pasture and that the seed of my loins was going to float off into the ether, never to gain purchase in the belly of a woman, let alone my gorgeous new wife. But with the game change of marriage came the idea of building a baby from scratch.
What caused that Janus like transition through the doorway into where I am now is another story, but the potted version is that I had another chance at things and that flying solo no longer was something that seemed feasible.
Yep, the married life is for me. I remember asking married folk to explain marriage to me years back and they would tell me it changed them in inexplicable ways. Which frustrated me as the explanations seemed vague. Now that I am part of that crew I understand. It does change things. A lot.
It changed the way I had previously thought. Even when I was in non-married relationships I was committed, but still marched to the beat of my own drum. There was a me and her. But when marriage happened I had someone else to join me and I started to rethink the idea of self. I had a pretty woman to love me, with the same last name as mine and there was now an ‘us’.
But the real about face came when the idea of expanding the family became a reality. Other people had kids, not me. Except, I kinda did. I wanted to teach someone little about the world, show them how to navigate through life and create a whole greater than us. Simple eh? Get to work and make babies.
Not so simple. First thing were fertility issues. It was kind of expected, but that doesn’t make it any easier especially when a Doc after Doc pretty much says the odds of conceiving naturally are next to zero. Hearing that is hard, but watching my wife hear it is one of the toughest things Ive had to do. Rather than being a one-sided fertility issue, it is an issue which we both face.
Wanting to take on the problem solving/protector role has made me feel helpless at times. The ‘just be a good listener’ thing doesn’t ‘solve’ things for her. I understand that incredible pressures are placed upon women since day one to become mothers, both implicitly and explicitly. What frustrates me is that in the rush for couples to procreate little thought is given to those who cannot. They are seen as ‘broken’ and hearing my honey say that chills me. I can empathize but feel I cannot fully live that pain.
We are doing our best to maximize our chances by undergoing a long and arduous ‘fertility’ treatment. The journey is one that makes the act of getting preggers a sterile and relatively disengaged process. All sorts of pills and potions are going into her body and her struggles with unpredictable side effects are tough for her.
But you know the really tough thing? Despite all the crazy sides and the almost obsessive fixation with getting knocked up, we are still not guaranteed that it will happen. I know that there is never any guarantee that a woman will get pregnant at any time in her life, but for those who are on the tail end of their fertility the probability of pregnancy is fairly low, even with assistance.
We have and are tying to battle those fierce and unkind statistical storms as we are both ready to enter into the world of babymaking. Whatever the outcome I am sticking with my honey, just like I promised her quite a while back.
Through thick n thin honey, thick n thin….