The wait is upon us. Waiting for the I-600A to get processed. Waiting for my doctor to email the schedule for our DE-IVF now that my period has started and I’m on the pill (always a weird concept – taking birth control to help one ultimately get pregnant) so that we can get my cycle aligned with the donor. Waiting to just KNOW…
The other day I was walking down the street, iPod in my ears, and Madonna’s Ghosttown came on, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. Anyone who’s experienced infertility understands the loneliness that accompanies the sadness. You feel weird reaching out to people to say “hey, I feel like shit, come comfort me” and when you do and you don’t get a response, or what you ask for, you’re lost, tumbling down the rabbit hole.
I am so blessed to have such an amazing best friend in my husband, and this experience has brought us even closer. Yet in that closeness we have that postapocalyptic, last-couple-in-the-world type of loneliness and we hold each other with love and that “us against the world” feeling in our hearts. So the lyrics really struck a chord in me…
Too much for a man to take
Everything’s bound to break
Sooner or later, sooner or later
Facing the darkest days
Everyone ran away
We’re gonna stay here, we’re gonna stay here
I’ll never leave your side When it all falls, when it all falls down
I’ll be your fire when the lights go out
When there’s no one, no one else around
We’ll be two souls in a ghosttownWhen the world gets cold, I’ll be your cover
Let’s just hold onto each other
When it all falls, when it all falls down
We’ll be two souls in a ghosttownTell me how we got this far
Every man for himself
Everything’s gone to hell
We gotta stay strong, we’re gonna hold on This world has turned to dust
All we’ve got left is love
Might as well start with us
Singing a new song, something to build onI know you’re scared tonight
I’ll never leave your side
I’m doing the things I’ve put off, paying attention to my to-do list for a variety of projects that have been ignored in the hustle that 2015 has been.
Last week I finally reopened my spiral notebook, writing the Foreword to my book that I’m aiming to self-publish before the year is out. It’s been put off for a while due to work and all the anxieties I’ve written about here, but it’s time. It’s so time.
This week I’m getting zen. I’ve talked a good game but the breathing is still fairly shallow. I’ve not kept my promise to myself to return to yoga. I’ve not kept my promise to myself to better take care of what I put in my body, as the sudden twinges of heartache have sent me all too often to the frozen aisle. When I’m down there is self-sabotage, and while I share my fears with my husband, and ask for his help, he is not responsible for my actions and I need to find new ways to push through the pain.
So for me it’s been just the Keeping Busy Treatment that I’m starting on today. No lying on the sofa in fetal hoping to sleep the anxiety away. No going overtime on Pinterest or Twitter looking at pictures and exhaling my frustrations for hours. No Netflix marathons dulling the mind and weakening the body. There is work to be done, even if money is not being made at it.<
I’ve put down the idea that I’m going to be like everyone else and returning to the real me.
After allowing dairy to seep back into my diet, it’s wreaked a lot of havoc. Yes, digestively, but also with what having dairy in the diet does in expanding food choices. Namely – you guessed it – cheese. And with the hubby being fairly apathetic about cheese in the first place and preferring almond milk over cow milk, sending dairy back won’t be as tough as one might think.
Why am I talking about nutrition in this post? Because with that self-sabotage that arises from these bouts of sadness and anxiety comes poor choices. Today I choose to take one option out of the picture. Even if I am going to France in 2 months. 🙂 Brave, eh?
And I’m taking a break from coffee and alcohol too, although that’s not as big of a deal to be honest. I’m not a beer person and even cider is “meh” to my tastebuds now, lucky me!
It feels a bit dangerous to nest this early, but if I can get out the circular saw and the drill and build something that might be functional when our little one(s) join us, I’ve decided I’m going to do it.
Yesterday I built my own version of this stool out of scrap wood, which will go under the bathroom sink vanity for our little girl to be able to stand on to access the sink. I’m now thinking about creating a piece of outdoor art to celebrate our little garden sanctuary she’ll play in, maybe something like this, with our old cabinet doors we removed from the kitchen.
And now the hubby is inspired as we still have lots more scrap wood…hmm, a li’l bed?
Last Minute News
As I returned to finish this post, we received the email from USCIS saying our orphan petition has been received and is finally on its way to the St Louis office for review and hopefully approval within the next couple of months. Wheeee!
Along with that, our doc called and let us know that we’ll get our DE-IVF schedule via email this week, but that we’re looking at the first week in October for the embryo transfer. While I don’t have the schedule yet, I do know that intramuscular injections in the arse will be involved…ugh, but thankfully my honey has no fear. Plus hey, it keeps him involved…just where he wants to be
Life is what it is, and no matter what gets thrown at us, I’m glad to have him by my side. He’s my family first and foremost, and I ain’t never losing sight of this love.
“My optimism wears heavy boots and is loud.”