childlike

there’s really no need to say more about then.

i am free yet i am looking at a mountain in front of me.  an entire range, it beckons.  and i think

how do i get it to just Stick.  where is it
in my mind
that i hold myself back.

the other day i just stared and stared through the glass door.
i rationalized.  i emotionalized.
and i switched off.
i lost hope for an evening.

and i woke, feeling death all around me.  haunted.
that voice inside me
reminded me
This is how they See you.  (what did you think?  you’d get more?)
and
i sunk.
and sunk.

you walk around and you are everything inside
but they don’t see that
and eventually, you don’t see that.
and you try
half-heartedly.

but you remember what is still Inside.  breaking and pounding and screaming to escape.

perhaps it is time to run free.
i am discovering
the uninhibited me.

and i forgive myself.
i lift my chin, open my eyes, blink once,
and trust.

  One thought on “childlike

  1. June 17, 2011 at 3:33 pm

    Really nice. I love the thought of how you are holding yourself back but that you realize (and maybe others do not) that there is so much more inside of you to give. And that you awaken to that idea and decide lift your chin, blink and trust. It is all inside of us. We just have to do just that: trust!

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  2. June 18, 2011 at 2:54 am

    It's overwhelming, really. It takes constant centering to remember that we have all we need. And to forgive ourselves. Freedom takes practice, a lot of practice. But doing what you're doing, it comes, it comes, and comes. What a lovely write, so hopeful.

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  3. June 18, 2011 at 8:34 am

    Teri / Ruth – all true sentiments.
    KC – I love Maya 🙂

    This post was about my struggle with body issues, as a girl who grew up with few food issues, thin as a reed, a dancer, naturally slender, or so i thought, to discover as a woman that it would be the biggest challenge to my self esteem – your husband calls you fat and you begin to eat. your husband won't lay a hand on you most of your marriage so you find comfort in food. and your body pays the price. and you start to believe that you can't get that back – and mixed in are the 'you should be happy just as you are' even though you know, you KNOW you are not satisfied, that you could be doing better. i am not living up to my potential – and that is where i cannot give up.

    probably the most difficult thing for me to blog about – weakness, insecurity, powerlessness. but i am succeeding on so many other levels that this battle is mine to be won.

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