this morning i tore up the remnants.  remembered the details of what he said and tore up the remnants, the reminders that had poisoned a solo journey that i’d invited him to share with me.  the amount of time taken to write so clearly about how unwanted i was?  enough reminder that i don’t need to see the alcohol-infused skin that i’d tried to ignore, the lack of sensitivity in situations he’d refused to give, the artificial concern of all the months.  i am too tender, i am too much soul and heart right now to look past what’s right in front of me right now.  distraction comes today and i will let it.  but i don’t feel like opening my heart, not in the least.  i need gardens and beaches and to get past this godawful birthday that i used to want to shout from the rooftops about.  i need to know where my paycheck is coming from more than a week at a time, to feel wanted by someone, something.  i will never whore out my attentions like he did.  i would rather be still than to pollute someone else’s heart.  i need to be cleansed.


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