It’s closing in upon That Time of Year.
Holidays? Nope. (I don’t believe in conventional religion)
Winter? Nope. (Forecast is for 54 degrees today)
New Years Eve? Nope. (I’m in my 30’s and most of my friends are paired up)
Nope, I’m talking about January, where my annual doctor appointments abound and, while she’s the coolest lady, my doc likes to remind me about all the ways I can make babies in a lab, in a petrie dish, out of a catalog. Because here’s the deal. I’ll be 37 years old next month. The majority of my friends have children who are already in school. Only a few left without kids, only a tiny number who are still interested in the idea.
I’m still interested. I still want a family. Nothing ridiculous sized. One would be fine. It’s not all consuming, and I don’t have a flashing light on my forehead. But it’s that time of year where all the mamas to be are particularly obvious and especially round. Yesterday in Hipster Heaven there were a million of the tattooed, thrift store, earth mamas out there reminding me of one piece that is still missing in my life.
So you stand around selling your chocolates and you think, is this ever going to happen for me? You put bits of truffle on toothpicks when little girls ask for a sample and instead of taking it in their hand, they eat it right off your toothpick you are holding for them and make you laugh. You talk with little boys who, very seriously, taste and contemplate and bring their mums back to say ‘you know mommy these are the best chocolates I’ve ever had, please let’s get some’, and can’t help but giggle. You read blogs and you see Facebook pages with pictures and videos and your heart twinges with pain.
But you know that it’s good you didn’t do it earlier. You know that mess that would have occurred if it’d been with someone in your past. So there’s a slight exhale. But really? It’s a reminder of where you are now. And you wonder.
And you fall asleep after an exhaustive weekend and the dreams encircle you from the past. People who were so self-centered they never could see YOU. People who talk a good talk but something keeps you from believing. People who leave you on the bus as you are still gathering your things. People who claimed they loved you but never wanted to show you, never wanted to step out of the box.
I’ve never been one to turn away from love. My heart is open but in order for me to wrap itself around another I need a few things. No, I don’t have a laundry list like some women where a man feels like he has to fit into a very specific mold. I want a best friend, not an identical twin. I want spontaneous displays of affection and reliable kisses and hugs and snuggles. I want conversation and the daily things in life that make you glad to have that person walking next to you as you deal with them, whether it be watching TV or looking for a place to live or cooking dinner and talking about the events of the day. I want someone who is patient with me and will let me be me and let me figure things out as we go along because, like him, I have my own little issues that I have to smooth out as we learn to be around each other. I want to be looked after and at the end of the day, just bury my head into him and close my eyes and know that he’s my soft place to fall. I want to laugh over stupid things and walk quietly on the water’s edge. I want him to trust me and I want him to be willing to take the road less traveled every once in a while because its the right thing to do for US. I want to be his first priority as he is mine.
Not too much to ask, I hope?
I want to turn 37 and know there is something to look forward to.