Bellies Everywhere…

It’s closing in upon That Time of Year.

Holidays?  Nope.  (I don’t believe in conventional religion)
Winter?  Nope.  (Forecast is for 54 degrees today)
New Years Eve?  Nope.  (I’m in my 30’s and most of my friends are paired up)

Nope, I’m talking about January, where my annual doctor appointments abound and, while she’s the coolest lady, my doc likes to remind me about all the ways I can make babies in a lab, in a petrie dish, out of a catalog.  Because here’s the deal.  I’ll be 37 years old next month.  The majority of my friends have children who are already in school. Only a few left without kids, only a tiny number who are still interested in the idea.

I’m still interested.  I still want a family.  Nothing ridiculous sized.  One would be fine.  It’s not all consuming, and I don’t have a flashing light on my forehead.  But it’s that time of year where all the mamas to be are particularly obvious and especially round.  Yesterday in Hipster Heaven there were a million of the tattooed, thrift store, earth mamas out there reminding me of one piece that is still missing in my life.

So you stand around selling your chocolates and you think, is this ever going to happen for me?  You put bits of truffle on toothpicks when little girls ask for a sample and instead of taking it in their hand, they eat it right off your toothpick you are holding for them and make you laugh.  You talk with little boys who, very seriously, taste and contemplate and bring their mums back to say ‘you know mommy these are the best chocolates I’ve ever had, please let’s get some’, and can’t help but giggle.  You read blogs and you see Facebook pages with pictures and videos and your heart twinges with pain.

But you know that it’s good you didn’t do it earlier.  You know that mess that would have occurred if it’d been with someone in your past.  So there’s a slight exhale.  But really?  It’s a reminder of where you are now.  And you wonder.

And you fall asleep after an exhaustive weekend and the dreams encircle you from the past. People who were so self-centered they never could see YOU.  People who talk a good talk but something keeps you from believing.  People who leave you on the bus as you are still gathering your things.  People who claimed they loved you but never wanted to show you, never wanted to step out of the box.

I’ve never been one to turn away from love.  My heart is open but in order for me to wrap itself around another I need a few things.  No, I don’t have a laundry list like some women where a man feels like he has to fit into a very specific mold.  I want a best friend, not an identical twin.  I want spontaneous displays of affection and reliable kisses and hugs and snuggles.  I want conversation and the daily things in life that make you glad to have that person walking next to you as you deal with them, whether it be watching TV or looking for a place to live or cooking dinner and talking about the events of the day.  I want someone who is patient with me and will let me be me and let me figure things out as we go along because, like him, I have my own little issues that I have to smooth out as we learn to be around each other.  I want to be looked after and at the end of the day, just bury my head into him and close my eyes and know that he’s my soft place to fall.  I want to laugh over stupid things and walk quietly on the water’s edge.  I want him to trust me and I want him to be willing to take the road less traveled every once in a while because its the right thing to do for US.  I want to be his first priority as he is mine.

Not too much to ask, I hope?

I want to turn 37 and know there is something to look forward to.

7 thoughts on “Bellies Everywhere…

  1. Oh hell, I struggle with this a lot. I was thrilled to turn 30, even though I'd been single for five years. I was thrilled with every age since then. But this summer, I'll be 35 and I'm really scared about that. Five years to forty. LOL. It makes me wonder if there's still time to do all the things I wanted.

    I don't wake up every morning and go to bed each night thinking: I want a kid! In fact, I don't think about it much at all, except at this time of year when winter holidays seem like more fun with kids running around excited about Santa and lights and gifts and cookies. I have a ball with my nephews and can't imagine having three of my own (though at one time, that's all I wanted).

    The older I get, the less I want kids. I still want one – MAYBE two. Probably one. 🙂 But I just don't feel like doing it NOW. But then I get scared…am I running out of time?


  2. AGS – yeah the thought wanders in my head as well, not in a desperate 'baby momma' way just realizing my age. three years and i'll be forty. and men don't realize how different it is for us. my sister can't have kids. another friend has been trying for a while. not that i'm against the storebought variety. just thinking about settling down and finding home, wherever that may be. i don't think we're ever running out of time, i think that it's just societal BS that interferes sometimes and makes us think about things we shouldn't be worrying about.

    it's an interesting thing when you come to a point in your life when you finally know exactly what you want, warts and all.


  3. A gf and I were having this exact conversation last night. I'm realizing that if I wait for that right timing, or that right man, or that right situation, it might not happen. Children, pregnant women, men with their arm protectively around their love, oh it slays me. But I'm at that float or sink moment, and well, I'm gonna float.


  4. There is something waiting for you in the wings darling, I feel it's so close, just within your reach. Get ready…to receive the gift of all that you've longed for to come to pass. Shallow thoughts? Not so. Cliche? Not so.

    I feel it sweetie, you deserve someone amazing, because the seeds you've sown along the way deserve a tremendous harvest of a soft place to fall, warm arms to wrap you up like a cozy cloak on a soggy day, someone to walk the city streets with hand in hand, enjoy fresh brew at the local pub, sharing the joy of gardening ;), breakfast outside on the patio at your favorite cafe downtown, biking trails, holding hands, long “french” kisses, and late at night~ letting your head nestle into his lap after a long day while you lay on the couch cuddling, listening to soft jazz, your mix tapes. I will believe for you. It will completely change your universe darling. You are an amazing, strong woman…I could go on, and never flatter, strictly truth. You deserve the same in a man, your soul mate is nipping at your heels, I feel it.

    It took me 14 years to finally conceive, so much fertility testing, never being able to conceive, blah~blah. Both John and I were told we had no issues but they thought I had might have endometriosis. Not so~ after having my total abdominal hysterectomy after Hannah was born due to all of the complications, the surgeon mentioned there was def no endo. It wasn't the right time, I guess.

    I had a miscarriage last year on August 9th, 2009. I was dating a high profile criminal defense Attorney, I never thought I would've gotten pregnant. Who needs birth control after trying for 14 years and being told I just couldn't get pregnant. He left me a week after the miscarriage, nice huh? Then I got pregnant again on birth control…uh yeah with a guy I had dated for 5 months. Crazy~ but regardless of the sperm donor who wants nothing to do with her, she is my miracle, the love of my life and John has loved her like a father and our entire relationship is everything I've longed for. I don't understand why this happened the way it did. But we both changed, she changed our lives.

    I lurrve you!


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