she was never more than the sum of her thoughts. the dark edges, the laugh that was too boisterous, the purity of her mind even after the darkest of days…nothing she cared to escape anymore. she walked amongst the trees and words melted into her skin. the feeling of the letters and the ideas floating around her in those morning walks were snowflakes – she opened her mouth to catch them and they’d just disappear. she thought of the mad scientist and how she watched him walking around with the voice recorder in his hand and had giggled, and suddenly she was jealous. he captured his, while hers disintegrated into sunlight and fog. others wrote on napkins, recorded onto post-it notes, typed it into blackberries. but she was learning that she couldn’t get every word. her thoughts exploded on canvas and the black and white of the day admitted all of the gray. she was always drawn to the contrast – men with pasts who found their way into sunlight, friends who challenged her heart and mind yet were as gentle on her as the pillow she rested her face on at night, jobs that pulled her in a million directions, teasing her with success and failure. she wanted to absorb the world and now she was learning that it was okay to focus on what was good and true and real in her life – that it was okay to say goodbye to what didn’t fit, what didn’t work, and open her mind to possibilities she may never have envisioned a year ago, five years ago, a lifetime ago. each morning she wakes up now and feels more and more of who she really is. she talks to friends who she can feel in her heart, letting the others fade to black. when you know, there is no alternative, there is no hiding. you said something and while the words are not clear, she heard your tone and it helped her to smile and to find sleep. she talked with her friend and those simple words enveloped her with warmth. her dog rested her chin on her knee and sighed and she knew there was much to be grateful for.
she thought of words but they wandered out of her mind. all she could do was think, and smile.