exhalation

postcard from a girlfriend in ireland received this weekend
on such a day that has left me feeling wrecked and exhausted, i went back into my archives and pulled out some words that keep me stirred, keep me centered, keep my faith in everything.  i hope for strength, i hope for empathy, i hope for what i know is true.  i know i am safe, i know there are bumps in the road, i know there are missteps and i know i will keep finding the lessons in everything.  i dissolved into the sofa this afternoon, out of sight on the dvd and a bowl of asparagus-ricotta ravioli and a glass of pinot in my hand.  i still feel my lower back balls of tension, balls of anxieties that stemmed over the last three years since they climbed in my bedroom window, went through my closet, left their crowbar next to my boots, touching my possessions, going through my refrigerator, stacking all my stuff in piles, and leaving me terrorized and sleepless for months.  with that the complete loss of trust in my own security, compounded by the discovery that i was not going to be protected by the ones i looked to for comfort, was traumatic.  after last night, it was a brief but stabbing reminder of that time in my life, and today while i may have gotten a few text messages, i was alone.  i have so much pride that i couldn’t say please come, i want someone to say ‘can i come keep you company’ or ‘can i come comfort you’, and this day i felt paralyzed.  for a girl who speaks up, i wrote a thousand versions in my mind of one email that still i’m sure didn’t do justice.  because the tone of the voice, the intimacy of conversation, the feeling of connectedness – that’s what i craved.  and while she warned me that even if i ask for help that people may still say no, it’s still a sensitive heart that i have when i find myself alone at the end of the day. so i struggle with this, i try to break out of these thoughts that beat myself up, and each day, as the film might remind me, i wake up and remember to keep breathing…the ocean is just weeks away, and i know i’ll be exhaling again.

There is no remedy for love but to love more. – Henry David Thoreau
 
From Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg:
Writers are great lovers. They fall in love with other writers. That’s how they learn to write. They take on a writer, read everything by him or her, read it over again until they understand how the writer moves, pauses and sees. That’s what being a lover is: stepping out of yourself, stepping into someone else’s skin. Your ability to love another’s writing means those capabilities are awakened in you. It will only make you bigger; it won’t make you a copy cat…great writers realize they are what they are in love with…

I felt it shelter to speak to you. ~Emily Dickinson

“Fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life, and the procedure, the process is it’s own reward.” – Amelia Earhart

If you have ever been called defiant, incorrigible, forward cunning, insurgent, unruly, rebellious, you’re on the right track.  ~ from Women Who Run With the Wolves
Take my hand
Please help me man
‘Cause I’m looking for something to believe in
And I don’t know where to start
And I don’t know where to begin, to begin
~ The Ramones

“…as the moon lingers a moment over the bitterroots, before its descent into the invisible, my mind is filled with song. I find I am humming softly; not to the music, but something else; some place else; a place remembered; a field of grass where no one seemed to have been; except a deer; and the memory is strengthened by the feeling of you, dancing in my awkward arms.” A River Runs Through It

“when you come to the edge of all the light you have, and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown, believe that one of two things will happen to you: either there will be something solid for you to stand on, or, you will be taught how to fly.” – patrick overton
 
And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring? ~ cast away

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