beautiful world

first week of kindergarten.  remember those times?  me neither.

first boy i ever fell for had white blond hair and we used to sing beach boys songs together in our kindergarten class. 

first boy i ever kissed?  completely forgettable, in the schoolyard, 8th grade.  didn’t even really like him.

second boy i ever kissed?  the lips were forgettable, but the boy looked like morrissey and i met him at a dead milkmen show in high school.

third boy i ever kissed?  unforgettable to this day.  polish eyebrows.  black wavy hair in that perfect longish length a la guess models of the era.  he was a dancer and much older than me. set the bar.

i’ve never had a ‘type’.  short or tall, blond or dark-haired, green or brown or blue eyes, slender or filled in, of every career persuasion, auburn or gray or brown or blonde or black haired or without any, i have been fortunate to have had enough experience in my life to know that it’s about feeling comfortable with someone, feeling you’re okay in your own skin around them, and that lovely factor that some call pheromones.  that thing that just makes you want to be close to that person, smell their skin.  what has always done it for me?  how quickly i can fall asleep. am i pacing mentally or am i slipping easily into the abyss. 

there’s no time to lose on the past – who they were, what they did, how they hurt me, how i hurt them – at least not in the way many tend to.  instead, i choose to think about this: what did they give me?  what did i learn?  where will i never go again and what would i tell others about him?

i was married for five years.  he was my best friend and he made me laugh and for a brief moment in time, he made me feel needed and important.  but then i realized i didn’t give myself enough in anything in my life – if a best friend called you fat, if a best friend found fault in you at your lowest points rather than trying to lift you up, if a best friend who also was supposed to take care of you, well, wouldn’t?  then you go.  you undergo the most terrifying yet emotionally evolving years of your life as you stumble around in the fog,, looking for the lesson, waiting for your heart to evolve.

and then one day, you realized that person’s spirit is gone.  you are free.  and you forgive yourself.   and eventually, you stop taking things so personally.  you realize you have to wade a long ways before you can swim. and you learn that maybe, just maybe, the world isn’t shaped by your memories.  that everyone, everything is new and deserves to be looked at fresh.  that the more you open your heart and soul, the more you are willing to risk, the more you will get back in the end. 

There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.  ~Willa Cather

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