Sentimental Fool

Sentimental fool, they call me.

Yes, I’m the girl that gets teary eyed at both the hard and the soft, the dark and the light, whatever touches my heart in such a way.  Or my breath is just caught in a lovely way as I notice something…

I told my friend the other day that I am feeling thing so incredibly intensely these days.  How do you describe it when everything has intensified for you…nothing moody or crazy, just feeling everything and seeing everything and noticing the subtleties of life…the air is easier to breathe and i see so much, i can’t explain how my heart feels so full and even with challenges, so damn fortunate…

It’s that moment when you know you can’t crack the windows anymore and you have to get the goose down comforter to wrap yourself up in.

It’s that bite into the reddest, juiciest tomato while you’re sliding between the fence and the plants, looking out at the rest of the garden, seeing your dog twisting around on her back in the grass, happy as a clam.

It’s going out and cutting off a huge handful of thyme and the scent of it just filling the air as you slide it between your fingers to release it from the stems.

It’s the sound of that crazy talking dog across the wires, pleading for attention and I can’t help but laugh.

It’s her son’s first day of kindergarten this week and her tenderness watching him start this new chapter.

It’s that chill in the morning that causes me to grab my favorite stretchy brown sweater that hugs me just right, slip on some jeans and my docs.

It’s having someone tell you that you’re doing it right, and believing them for the first time.

It’s teaching someone else to do something you love, and feeling you have something to offer.

It’s that quiet moment after you get out of the shower, with the lemongrass body butter on your skin and wet hair that smells so lovely and clean.

It’s seeing someone smile when you walk in the door, who wants to know about your day, your life, and then hands you your favorite hot cocoa from behind the counter.

It’s that excitement of knowing that this career might not be the end-all, but you are slowly working towards doing something that you actually love…and someday may be able to take the leap and try it out outside of your home…

It’s seeing everything you’ve learned and all of your mistakes and all of your victories and knowing that you have a long path ahead and smile at all that is to come.

It’s sitting here typing away and hearing her nails on the hardwood floor stop, and looking over to see her doggy smile and her nub wiggling, just dying for a little walk down the street.  Can’t resist…

It’s knowing that somehow, even with all the obstacles that like to toss themselves in your way, at the end of the day you know you have the simplest of beauty in your life, and that a year from now, life may evolve to something even more lovely.  It’s hope at its purest.  And sentimental and sweet and that’s how I prefer it to be.

I’ve got a tough love side of me as well but I try to blend it with this sentimental girl that lingers – I used to not protect the soft side of me but now I see it’s what’s kept me alive.  Not the hard, but the soft.  The vulnerability, the opening of the heart and the willingness to say, take me as I am, love me for all I have, risk what you need to risk to be happy.

This year has been a great evolution for me…more words and images and creations than I ever could have imagined, and some people who have really done numbers on me, showing me things and places and sentiments I never could have imagined, but have never been so willing to see.  So when I say things are more intensified, maybe that’s not the right word.  Maybe I’m just more sensitive, or conscious, or in love with the world around me.

One joy scatters a hundred grieves. 
~Chinese proverb


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