i’m a li’l tired tonight. couldn’t sleep. slept in fits then finally awoke around 5am and watched the moon rise outside my bedroom window (see exhibit a, bad cell phone photo above). lazy bummed around, did some canning in the AM, then spent the afternoon helping a friend prep her place for move-out before we hit the dinner table at a local organic mexican joint. yum, but hell no on the prices. i’m a cheap bastadddd. but it was lovely to be around friends and feel the easy rhythm of home. i feel so home.
my life is delicious. there are words seeping out of me in so many ways and my imagination in all corners. a friend of mine blogged about the evolution of his perspective on women and dating and himself, and it made me think of my own tonight. things are so much easier than they used to be. why?
because i’m so much more comfortable in my own skin. even if i woke up this morning feeling like a tubby hag, by the time i let the water hit me, i was reshaken back into my own skin, soft and warm and reborn. the way i know i am rather than the insecurities that hit us all at the strangest times. it is what it is, the girl used to tell me. and the girls tonight? we were on the same page… thirty something and single is not what it was for our divorced mothers now was it? we’re not looking for daddies, rather someone who wants to devour, happily, everything we have to give. someone who relishes partnership and eats up the idea of the combination of passion and friendship. where all of our facets are loved and we can reach across the table at the man we are craving, take his hand, and say exactly what thoughts we have. something that will … okay that’s all i need to say. you get where i’m going? there is something absolutely delicious about looking across at someone and seeing truth, feeling them respond to you, then going home and inhaling them all around you without any type of worry of insecurity or what-not. we get to a time in our lives where we’re done f***ing around, physically and mentally and philosophically.
i don’t know how to do that silly stuff anymore. play around. i did it in my 20’s and have zero regrets. i got married and got divorced. zero regrets. i fell in love again and saw the undercurrents of the disaster that was upon me, but still, no regrets. it’s the age-old saying, i wouldn’t be who i am now.
recently as i’ve commented in the past, i’ve put myself on a self-imposed exile. what does that mean? no more LOOKING. focusing on everything else that is of my heart and soul and letting whatever else just fall into place as it should. without intention yet with purpose. does that make sense? i look for a man who isnt waiting for everything to fall into his lap, who will make an effort. who isn’t put off by a few minor obstacles because he knows in the end, to be with someone who will both make your toes curl and give your mind the turn-on it needs? worth every bit of effort it takes. worth fighting for. worth journeying for.
i have a heart like a wheel and it has spun in so many directions, but i don’t fear it. i have fallen in love with the extremes and the centers, from the ridiculously tall and stuttering country boy to the fella who can look me eye to eye and isn’t afraid to have me wear heels next to him. i have loved the punk rocker and the bricklayer and the farmer and the artist. it’s never been about all that – it’s about the way i feel when i am with him. do i feel loved? wanted? craved? respected? smart? sexy? clever? beautiful?
i love my world where i don’t know what the next day will be, and yet i love the security that i feel in this sanctuary i have created in my private little world. i feel brave. i feel open and vulnerable, yet intimate and strong. and each time i trust in myself to trust others and keep letting go of the skeletons, i am more of who i am and happier because of it. i have unlocked myself, i am unleashed.