adrift

weeks come and go but this week made me….weak.  something planted itself in my heart and mind and there were too many dramatic highs and lows…i felt my heart burst several times from inhaling too much of my surroundings and i felt it sink from exhaling the weight of the world.  why i decided subconsciously to take everything on as my personal responsibility?  who knows.  but my heart has been heavy and like they say, when you feel pain you need to walk through it, not around it.  so my feet are on the coals and both sides of my neck are stabbed with the tensions, but i’m going to breathe.  i feel those i love reaching out to me and while sometimes i’m not very good at singing the hallelujah, i do know that i’m lucky, i do know that i’m safe.  but all the same time, tonight all i want to do is put down this pillow and snuggle up on the sofa and fall asleep to the rhythm of breath and sound and darkness.

i went to my therapist yesterday and felt cloudy, adrift.  i told her i was ok.  which i am.  but still, sometimes you land on the couch and feel you’ve paid to give them a good story, and feel bad when you’re dull or if you already know the answer – i.e., calm down, practice trusting the good thoughts in your head, know that the bad memories don’t mean the good people will repeat them, remember you are a good soul, no matter what she told you.

what’s really wrong?  i haven’t cooked since the heat wave.  it’s back down to 72 in my house and i’m tired and looking at my kitchen longingly.  sunday, sunday.

“Adrift”

Your voice is adrift
I can’t expect it to sing to me
As if I was the only one

I’ll follow you
The leaf that’s following the sun
When will my weight be too much for you?
When will these ideas really be my own?
Cause this moment keeps on moving
We were never meant to hold on

This was a scene worth waking up for
When I woke up
You planted me in my own body
Don’t know why
But somehow it just feels so wrong
When you’re sad I will be lonely
But when you rise again I’ll become the sun
I will shine down upon you
As if you were the only one

Your voice is your own, I can’t protect it
You’ll have to sing
A verse no one has ever known

Don’t be afraid
Cause no one ever sings alone
Your way will never be too much for me
Your ideas have always been your own
And this moment keeps on moving
We were never meant to hold on

~ Jack Johnson

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