7/29/10

“When life descends into the pit 
I must become my own candle 
willingly burning myself 
to light up the darkness around me.” 
– Alice Walker

Today I remembered tension.  Hives.  Anxiety.  Where you feel your shoulders solidify and rise, begging for thumbs and palms to dig into them and rub out all that has built up.  Those moments when you wish people would get out of fucking high school mode and grow the hell up.  When you wonder if the words ‘professional’ and ‘integrity’ even exist, because it sure wasn’t apparent today with certain folks.  But something was different in dealing with these stressors.  I felt my initial creeping doubts and negative forebodings and you know what I did?  I told myself to fuck off and shut the hell up with that trash talk of myself because I’m not goin’ down like that.  What?  Seriously.  I was pissed for being pissed.  But I’ve seen the bottom of the damn barrel.  And this was small potatoes compared to that feeling.  I feel better about who I am, more comfortable in my skin, and so I left my day tired but relieved, weary but confident.  And Sinead in my ears…(her version of You Do Something To Me is my favorite love song of all time). And a wish for you all – don’t let the baddies get to you.  You’ve come too far.

“We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us something is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”
~ ee cummings 
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