With the exception of women, there is nothing on earth so agreeable or necessary to the comfort of man as the dog.
~Edward Jesse, Anecdote of Dogs
My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.
sleeplessness continues…last night i finally fell into a deep slumber around 2:30am yet of course, promptly woke up to a certain dog discovering my toes lingering over the edge of the bed…she sleeps in the corner on the floor of my bedroom and be damned if she is not getting me up earlier and earlier…five forty-five and i’m in my pj’s or what-not and sleepwalking to the back door to let her out and hoping she doesn’t linger too long…we come back inside and i’ve found my robe and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes because i know its impossible now to go back to sleep until she has been fed (the pacing, the pacing!). she lucks out this morning as i’ve got the last batch of snow pea pods on the counter, so she has some crunch in her food (she’s having a hard time with the dry food so we’re primarily on the wet stuff – eww but she thinks she’s already in doggie heaven now, oy vey…but i love her like mad, of course, and with the sheets of hair falling off her now and the way she slips and slides, i am letting her get a little spoiled. hell if it wasn’t toxic you know i’d make her a doggie truffle.
but i regress. summer is in full bloom in portland and i’m absolutely in love with it – temps in the upper 70’s and low 80’s after that freakish 90-100ish week or so, everything is growing and most people i know are in a good mood. and it’s sunday morning, when i am at my quietest of mind…even indulging in a newspaper for utter laziness before i walk over to a friend’s house in the neighborhood for coffee. she is someone i identify so so much with – we share much of the same mindset when it comes to having been through certain types of relationships then really finding a life that suits who we are…don’t need a lot of fancy stuff, don’t need a million people around us, and in fact would rather be one on one than in the big groups. i’ve always fed off of the one-on-one interaction with someone i’m close to rather than crazy crowds. it’s a genetic thing, perhaps, as i remember even when my grandfather died, although we all cooked and hosted a large group, after we did what we needed to do, you could find all the Picks in the driveway, far from the hubbub, each of us getting away then laughing because we were all doing the same thing.
i remember that house, it’s a mile or so down the street from me and has been empty for a couple of years now. it’s a shell and still belongs to my grandmother but she’s long since moved into a retirement home and continued in her ‘woe is me’ attitude that i’ve not been able to be around much since my father’s death. they remind me of negativity and whining and selfishness and all the toxicity that comes with it. do two negatives make a positive? i hope so, because while i feel their dna in me at times, i never know how i became who i became. but i am, so there. i have flashes of ‘oh i wish it could be different’ but i tried for so many years and realized that the generosity and unconditionality and camaraderie would only be found in the friends i have made.
i still try not to lean on anyone but am practicing coming out of that, admitting when i am weak in the knees or feeling shaky or needing to be wrapped up and comforted. it’s hard though. lots you can write but how much can you say out loud? that’s me, the work in progress, i tell myself. i create self-imposed rules only to break them, i start off in a straight line only to wander off the path. and so it reminds me of a myers-briggs conversation i had with a friend over drinks friday night and i found from an old blog of mine some notes i’d copied down about my profile, the INFJ…
“Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.”
INFJs view intimacy as a nearly spiritual experience. They embrace the opportunity to bond heart and soul with their mates. As service-oriented individuals, it’s very important to them that their mates are happy. Intimacy is an opportunity for the INFJ to selflessly give their love, and experience it in a tangible way.
“INFJs find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor. Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals.”
“INFJs are sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious “soul mates.” While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent “givers.” As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood — particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.”