” We are not held back by the love we didn’t receive in the past, but by the love we’re not extending in the present.”~Marianne Williamson
so in thoughts of those women who are indeed, forces to be reckoned with…i am just in this big mushy squishy sweet sentimental grateful mode for the people i share my world with, near and far. never in my life have i been at a place where i’m so surrounded by people i trust, and it’s given me strength to reach out, to take chances, to not be afraid of who i am, to not worry about being too intense or too ridiculous or too…whatever, you know? when i took the chance on making my family out of my friends, the true friends really kicked it into high gear and showed me the love. awww….
seriously though. always a work in progress, always hard on myself, the more i can show my gratitude the more i think i can show the world that even in our more challenging days and times, we can give of ourselves, even if in a tiny way like this, and it will start to transform you. not always the butterfly, not always the optimist, not always Anything, everyone develops their own views of who they think you are. and letting others see all sides of me, exposing my heart a little more, has been more than therapeutic. it’s freed me.
most people who know me understand there’s a majority of me that’s quiet, introspective, shy – mixed in with a love of interaction, affection, relating, giving to others – combined with a laugh that others can hear across the room, a willingness to fall flat on my arse in order to make someone laugh or draw someone out of their shell, and enough chutzpah to scare off the feeble- or cruel-minded. i will challenge your thinking at times and want you to open your mind and heart to other perspectives, but i am also loyal and fierce like a tiger (sorry i detest the word ‘tigress’, use the damn word y’all..and so i digress). much of me is an observer, so even when i do get the butterfly side of me going, there is always a part of me pulled back, observing, recording, assimilating all my thoughts. i can get lost in time with the people i adore and would rather spend the entire day playing it by ear than a planned itinerary. and this from a girl who is organized to a fault at work.
there is so much inspiration to be had in everyone we meet, even the negative forces. how can i challenge myself, how can i forgive myself, how can i love more and not worry so much? those who first get to know me usually have a strong gut feeling about me, sometimes positive, sometimes terrified, sometimes turned off. i’ve learned to be okay with that, because i usually am the same way about others. again, soul selects her own society, as miss emily’s words echo in my head. i am a tremendous romantic but not in the traditional sense – i find it in lovely words and certain moments with someone – a shared meeting of the eyes, when he does some small gesture without thinking that shows me who he is, or when we are out in the ocean air just, well, there.
there was someone i once knew who complained of this romantic streak in me – yes complained. i never expected roses, and was in love with closeness of skin and the freedom we had when we were with each other to just ‘be’. he never understood that none of the other stuff mattered – it wasn’t about the hair or the car or the job. it was about our own dynamic, it was about if at the end of the day i was able to give my love to him freely and receive what he had to give me. it was about a deep abiding friendship that had developed over time. but he wasn’t there. he was everywhere and nowhere and when you know someone is not willing, you go away. and in this life i know that while there may be those who throw buckets of glass at our hearts, i also know there is possibility still out there.
there has to be. and so on this early morning, well after i should have noshed on something before heading out the door, i sit here listening to the birds and the breath of my pup and just remind myself to just keep doing the ecogrrl thing and learning from you all and being happy for what i have and stay open to all the possibilities of where i may go next in this world. i’ve never been a girl to shy away from where the path might take me, and am enamored by the words that reach out to me and take a hold of me just a little more each day. the process itself is the most beautiful thing isn’t it?
so yes on this big hippie love fest of a post, i’ll finish off by sharing another e.e. moment. i have had a deliciously old dusty book of his poetry since forever, rescued from a low shelf at powells and marked in many places whenever the love strikes me. i’m working on recognizing it more, seeing it more, and sharing it more. here’s to hope…
i have found what you are like the rain, (Who feathers frightened fields with the superior dust-of-sleep. wields easily the pale club of the wind and swirled justly souls of flower strike the air in utterable coolness deeds of green thrilling light with thinned newfragile yellows lurch and.press -in the woods which stutter and sing And the coolness of your smile is stirringofbirds between my arms;but i should rather than anything have(almost when hugeness will shut quietly)almost, your kiss