second half starts now

you’re the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen, you know?
do you truly know how beautiful you are? how beautiful you are to me?
when i see you, i see lights shining and i am warm.
you look at me with love. purity. forgiveness for all my imperfections.

i sit here and i weep over many things. losses of people, of family, of a husband, of a former life. i remember how you came into my life and i blame myself. for everything i did to crush my own life after my perceived failures. i spiraled.

was blind
but now i see

where the mountains meet the sea i will meet you. in cloudy mornings on gray streets with the only color being the green of my eyes, you will see me, and you will take both of my hands in yours. i feel my cheek and chin against your shirt and i hold you tighter, letting go of the previous and breathing in what is important – the warmth of your scruffy face after a long day. the way you come into the kitchen and bring me something from the garden to add to our meal. the way that you know how to soothe me just by telling me you love me, by rubbing the small of my back, by being me biggest fan and greatest defender. this is what i anticipate.

when i go home to break apart, i question everything.
i remember the wispy lean dancer i once was
and forget about my overt curves in such a way
that i forget how others perceive in this society. they don’t care
that i can ride a hundred miles in a week and they don’t care
about my freckles and i feel as if someone has spun me ’round and sent me backward.

stranded on an island of my own making. finding the small pieces of shrapnel and building a new mosaic. i am a small piece of brilliance. am i.

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