when you’ve held such tension in for these days, you find it seeping out in so many ways. because of this i was so relieved to have this afternoon on the sofa of my therapist. i was in so many twists i felt my face burning as i sat there, and literally became a pool of tears as i sat there.
how. do. i. do. this.
asking for help is infuriating. ask and you are weak. ask and they will say no. ask and you will find out you are not worthy of their time or consideration. ask – and you are selfish. these are the familial memories that echo in my mind, and make me turn inwards. go solo, you’ll stay safe that way.
but i’m getting better. she’s helping me see that those are just their echoes. they are not the real world. but that even with this, i have to start taking risks, be willing to hear no because i might just hear yes. she taught me that asking for what i’d like doesn’t make me demanding or selfish, it makes me human. that i don’t have to decide – that i can just gather information.
there is friendship and there is evolution and there are great mysteries unfolding each day. i came home to find a happy dog. legless but happy. wanting to play but falling over on her side off the couch. wanting to run to me in the back but deciding to lay down in the grass instead. and i knew it’s all the misfiring of neurons – she wants to but she cannot. so i’m hoping the truffle proceeds come in so i can get her some acupuncture, the only thing that i’ve read to have positive effects on the spine when legs lose control. keep the positive vibes.
so with that, it was time for a ride. and i BREATHED. there is nothing like the reappearance of the sun. after 1.5″ of rain yesterday drowning the gardens, the 70 degrees of today was bliss. music in my ears, hair free flowing, pulled on a sundress and took off into the evening on my two wheels. late sun in june….isn’t it luscious? i came home as i always do on nights like this, singing to myself, swaying in curves down the street, not ready for it to end. and for just that moment, all was beautiful again in the world.